Of Great Price
by Blame Brampton
Summary: Truth is the first casualty of war. Sirius Black knows this well. And when we lose our trust in those we love, what reason do they have to hold onto theirs?
1. Chapter 1

**Author notes:** The arms blazoned are from the Black crest in the film version, as I could find no canon version in the books. I am not an expert in heraldry, so please feel free to point out errors. Caradoc Dearborn's death occurs at a different time to that given by JKR in her Potter apocrypha, as she left only three months for the bloodbath that descended upon the Order in the lead-up to Voldemort's attack on the Potters, and I needed a named character to drop dead before this. Worse liberties have been taken ...

**Of great price**

The first time I told Remus that I loved him, I had already stopped trusting him. So it seemed important that I let him hear the words out loud, not wait till he was asleep, or brushing his teeth, or in the next room, as I usually did.

He smiled down at me, merriment in those eyes. 'You're only saying that because James can't hear.'

It wasn't true. At least, it wasn't wholly true. More that, without James, we finally had the leisure of our own time. We weren't the audience that we had been for the last year, looking on at him, and Lily, and little Harry.

Remus and I had accepted the idea that their family was a real family, and we were just uncles. And Peter, too, of course.

But with James and Lily in hiding, we were suddenly a real family ourselves. Breakfasts at the table, notes left regarding bills and shopping, nights at home. It never occurred to either of us that we had left Peter out again. Selfish, I suppose, but Peter was Peter, and Remus was everything.

You might not guess it to look at me now, but I was everything, too. At least for him.

......................................

I'd met him on the first day of school. He was that quiet boy whose name they called while I pulled faces at James, who was still over there, nervous, in the gaggle of students waiting to be Sorted. When the hat called out 'Gryffindor', I cheered as loudly as the rest of my house, though I had to ask him his name when he came over – I'd not been listening.

'It's good, isn't it?' he'd asked, a little nervously.

'Course it is!' I'd declared. 'It's the best house in the school, ask anyone!'

One of the older students slapped me on the back then, laughing. 'Never thought I'd hear a Black say that!'

I was so busy grinning and laughing that I missed Peter's name, too, but I led the cheering when they called James's.

We ate that first feast together in a welter of excitement and chat. We were the only four boys in our year, there were seven girls, including Lily – who spent most of that feast looking daggers at James, and me. We didn't care, we were full of brilliant plans that would begin in the morning.

As we traipsed our way up towards the dorm, the Prewett brothers – they were in third year then – patted my head and told us they felt like proud old Gryffindors to see one of their Black cousins not only in their house but happy about it. Their Uncle Ignatius had married my Aunt Lucretia-We-Don't-Spend-Much-Time-With-Her-Family. I grinned, and James rolled his eyes at me. Peter squeaked, I think partly because he knew the Prewetts and was expecting a Jelly-Legs Jinx, and partly because I was one of _those_ Blacks. Remus shook his head and just kept walking up the stairs.

'Who gets which bed?' Peter asked as we came through the door.

'We do it logically,' Remus said. 'Who likes sleeping near a window?'

Peter and James put their hands up, and Lupin nodded. 'Who likes to sleep in?' he asked.

I put my hand up. Both hands, actually.

'Who likes to get up early?'

Peter raised his hand, and James made a vague waffling motion with one of his. 'Depends. If there's flying, or a good breakfast, I'm all for morning,' he explained.

Remus smiled his thinking smile. I think it charmed me even then. 'Well, that's easy. Pettigrew, you have the bed nearest the door, nice big window. Potter, you have the next one, lovely sunshine and you're both near the door for early morning exists. Sirius, you're next to Potter, and I'll take the far corner.'

'Why do you get the dark corner?' I asked him, just to tease.

He was the voice of perfect reason. 'Because you and Potter will be chattering half the night and I'd never get any sleep if I was between you.'

We each dragged our trunks to our new beds, and started to change into our pyjamas. Mother had lovingly packed several pairs of black flannel pyjamas with the family crest and a Slytherin-green Melton wool dressing gown.

'Time to fix that,' I declared, and waved my wand to change it to red. It turned a russet brown, which wasn't half bad for a beginner's Charm. Father would have been thrilled at how well I'd learned his lessons if he'd seen it – actually, given the circumstances, perhaps not.

Peter and James laughed heartily. They chatted with me as we put our clothes and treasures into our drawers and repacked our chests. Peter's mum had provided him with a bag of sweets, James had a small library of Quidditch texts and Marvin the Mad Muggle comics. Remus unpacked quickly, and was under the covers while we were still fooling about.

'Mum sent me off with cake,' James declared. 'Midnight snack?'

It wasn't even ten, but we didn't care. Peter pulled out some of his sweets and I contributed some of the bottles of butterbeer Regulus had snuck from the fridge for me that morning. The two of them jumped onto my bed and began to put out the spread. Remus said he was full, and that we should go on without him.

'It's okay if you don't have anything to throw in,' James said. 'I've got heaps.'

'No, it's fine, I'll just chat from here,' Remus replied.

And I remember what they looked like then. James was in his red and gold pyjamas, and Peter had on a pair that supported some Quidditch team – I can't be certain who they were, because he changed his allegiance as soon as he found out who James followed.

In contrast, Remus's pyjamas were a little too small and a little too worn. He looked tiny half-under the covers of the huge bed, and gave a ferocious cough as he settled in.

'What's the matter, Lupin?' Peter asked. 'Feeling _poorly_?'

Remus heard the tone, just as I did. The blush began at his ears and spread quickly across his face. I was mortified for him, but had no idea what to do. Luckily, James was brilliant.

'Oh don't worry about cash. Black and I are rolling in it,' he announced airily. 'We will fund your sweet and broomstick needs and you will help us with our homework, since it's obvious you're the smart one.'

Remus smiled a little at that. 'What if I don't want to help you?' he countered, testing the waters.

'Of course you will!' James informed him. 'You're also the nice one.'

'And this makes you …'

'The handsome one, obviously,' James explained as though to a child.

'Oh, please,' I muttered, and Lupin giggled.

James looked between us with mock horror. 'You are not suggesting that Black is better looking than I am?'

'You're the charismatic one,' Remus assured him.

'What am I?' Peter piped up.

'The short one,' James announced.

And so it was.

..................................................

It was Dumbledore who first used the word traitor.

James and I had thought the whole thing a jolly great lark, screaming through the city on the bike. It had almost come to grief when the constabulary appeared, but then their chase had been even more fun, and in those last moments, when Potter had grinned his mad grin and glanced at the car, it had all been on again. The sound the Death Eaters made when they smacked into the steel was one of the most satisfying I ever heard.

Back at Headquarters, James was trying to recreate it for the Prewetts and Remus, using an inaccurate pairing of fist smacking and onomatopoeia, when I noticed Moody and Dumbledore shaking their heads at us.

'What now?' I asked, ready for the standard you-young-people speech.

Moody went first. 'You left Muggle police alone with Death Eaters?'

'Relax, I know how to Accio,' James grinned, holding up three wands.

'Well, you're not quite as stupid as you look,' Moody granted. 'But you never asked yourself how they found the two of you, did you?'

'How hard can it be?' Remus muttered. 'Two idiot wizards on an oversized motorcycle stand out, even in London.'

I was about to say something cutting but affectionate when Moody gave one of those strangled groans of his. '_What_ is that on your shirts?'

'Budgerigar,' I answered.

'African swallow,' James replied at the same time.

Dumbledore hid a chuckle behind his hand, but Moody rounded on me. 'Do you think you are funny, Mr Black? Do you think you are clever?'

And it was hard to forget, at moments like that, that he had taken down a half-dozen Death Eaters alone. The respect on my face wasn't all forced. 'No, sir.'

Beside me, James giggled quietly to himself. 'Elvendork,' he whispered. I ignored him.

The twinkle faded from Dumbledore's eyes, and his voice, when he spoke, was serious. 'I am afraid that Alastor is right, and that we should consider the possibility that there is a leak, or even a traitor in our midst. The two of you were on a mission for the Order. That three of Voldemort's followers should find you and set chase is … unlikely to be a coincidence.'

'Oh!' I had quite forgotten the actual mission. I reached under my T-shirt and pulled a book from the waistband of my jeans. 'Caradoc said this was the one.'

Dumbledore took it from me quickly, ran his fingers over the strange triangular symbol on the front and flipped it open to the index. After a moment's scanning, he sighed gently. 'Thank you, Mr Black, Mr Potter. This is indeed the one.' He seemed lost in his perusal for a moment, but then his eyes flipped up, sharp and focussed. 'Do you still speak with your brother, Mr Black?'

His question caught me by surprise. 'No,' I began, then, more honestly, 'Sometimes. When he's being reasonable. I don't want to cut off … his way out …'

He and Moody exchanged a nod. 'An admirable sentiment,' Dumbledore said with a smile. 'If he wishes to speak with you of any of your friends, I believe that listening carefully would be advantageous.'

And with that, he and Moody went from the room, whispering over the book, leaving the five of us.

Gideon summed up the situation with his usual precision. 'Because if you can persuade the little bugger to turn tattler, we'll be able to plug the leaks in our organisation very quickly indeed.'

'And get him killed in the process,' I muttered.

'Not the best plan, I agree.' Gideon grinned at me. 'Phoenix T-shirts? You two really are prize plonkers.'

'Hey!' James protested. 'I ordered enough for everyone!'

While the three of them laughed, I sat beside Remus at the table. He was still frowning at me.

'You being killed in an alley is not funny,' he told me.

'Me coming back to you completely unharmed ought to raise a smile, though,' I grinned at him, and rubbed my head affectionately against his shoulder.

He rolled his eyes patiently until I stopped.

'Where were you this morning, anyway? You were gone when I woke up, I didn't even feel you get out of bed. I'd have left the bike at home and Apparated sensibly if you'd come along, too.'

'No you wouldn't, you'd have told James to Apparate and taken me on the bike.'

That was, probably, true, so rather than admit defeat, I reached under the table and squeezed his thigh. 'Home soon?'

He looked directly into my eyes as he smiled back at me. 'Home soon.'

......................................................

We didn't speak of the war in the early years. No one did in public, it was a whispered conversation, between adults, hushed up at the first sign of childish interest. But we all knew that name.

Remus shuddered when he heard the older boys use it. Malfoy noticed one day, and spent the afternoon in the corridors loudly lecturing his first year Slytherins on the new order that was dawning.

Snivellus was there, among the panting followers. Unctuous little git, even then. Nodding away merrily as Malfoy preached his pureblood supremacy.

I was all for walking past with as much dignity as a first year could muster, but Remus stopped and glared.

'And when the Ministry comes to its senses and stops this flirtation with the Muggles, we will be able to return to the right path for the wizarding world, one that is strong and clean and unpolluted by outside influences.'

'Like Fenrir Greyback?' Lupin asked, in his ridiculously small voice.

Malfoy stopped his oratory and sneered down at him. 'Whatever means it takes to accomplish the proper end,' he pronounced.

'So you don't care if it's impure blood, so long as it's impure and fighting on your side,' Remus pushed.

'There is a time and a place for everyone to be useful to the cause,' Malfoy countered. 'We can winnow out the remaining taint when the battle is done.'

Remus squared his slim shoulders. 'Do they know that? That you'll dispose of them when the time is right?'

Malfoy laughed at him. 'They are tools for the powerful. Serfs. Like your family, Lupin. Some blood was born to serve. You'd know all about that.'

And I had never seen Remus so pale as at that moment, not even when he was sick. So I laughed, loudly.

'Oh please, Lucius, you may be older than I am, but _your_ family has followed mine into battle through the centuries. My ancestors had names and heraldry when yours were still trying to find a son born on the right side of the sheets.'

I was cheating. Cissie and I were still on hugging terms in those days and I knew he wouldn't risk hexing me.

He was good, it only took one breath for him to recover. With a broad smile he flung an arm around my shoulders. 'We date back to the Conquest, and that's enough for me. I know you'll be there beside us when the time comes, Sirius. Blood will out.'

I wriggled away, and told him I'd rather eat worms, which was not my finest oratorical moment, but I was only eleven.

'Come on, Remus, James and Peter are waiting.'

We started to walk away, but I couldn't help turning back. 'I wouldn't let Evans see you listening to this, Snipey,' I told him. And for a moment, he almost looked guilty.

.......................................

Remus and I had a routine for the moon days. If we were in London we would ride out on the bike the morning before and find a nice village somewhere in the Home Counties. I'd book us a room or two in a Muggle inn, and we'd go out that afternoon wearing rambling clothes and carrying a few obvious bottles of Scotch.

If the publicans ever suspected anything it was that we were 'artistic', and most were sympathetic. We'd return in the early hours of the following day, smelling a bit like a distillery, looking a bit the worse for wear, and very carefully pronouncing that we had become a little lost on our tramping and that some local farmer might find a rather good cap or scarf in their lower fields, in which case they were welcome to keep it, with our regards.

Then we'd flop down and sleep for a few hours until the charlady had to make up the room. We'd need the sleep, too, after running up and down the countryside chasing each other. I kept him away from sheep, cattle, the occasional pair of rural youth, and roads. He'd keep me running for hours, and then he'd dive in, and mock-fight, and we would end up curled together, panting, grinning toothily.

So the first time he ran away from me, I thought that I'd just fucked up. But then I heard the howl that cut through the early morning, and the hair down my spine stood on end in a primal reaction. It wasn't him – I knew his voice – nor was the next that sang out, but the third was. I held my breath for a long, horrified moment, but the first two howls blended with his, welcoming, recognising. They would not turn on their own, a small mercy and one for which I was profoundly grateful.

It took me hours to hunt him down. I couldn't risk them scenting me in case they were part of Greyback's pack. They would think nothing of ripping my throat out, whether or not they knew me for who I was. I was nearly at the point of going back without him when he appeared, head and tail held low. He whined when he saw me, a high, thin note. I licked his face and rubbed my nose against his, reassured him he was found, that no harm would come to him.

The next morning the publican's wife had been putting the sheets on the line when we staggered back in. 'I've been so worried about the two of you!' she exclaimed. 'There were wild dogs about last night, they brought down sheep over at the Johnsons', it's a bad business.'

'That's awful,' Remus had whispered.

'It wasn't you,' I whispered to him as we made our way upstairs. I kissed his forehead and combed the dirt from his hair. 'I saw you, you were clean.'

But he'd curled up beside me without even taking his clothes off, and was silent on the ride back to London.

When he went off for an unexpected meeting with someone who might have a lead about a job the following Wednesday, I was actually happy for him. All those meetings, never a job, yet I thought that was perfectly normal, for the longest time.

.................................

I sold Uncle Alphard We Don't Speak of Him Anymore's house after he died, a few months after I'd left school. He'd asked me to, said the place was fit only for old people, not young lads about town like Lupin and me.

He'd known the end was coming for a while, so we'd had the chance to say goodbye. That had hurt, but at the same time I think I learned more about him in those last months than in all the years of polite visits. Remus made me go alone more often than not, said he only made Alphard behave properly, and there wasn't enough time left for that.

He was right, of course.

There'd always be Firewhisky on the table, and Muggle pastries, French for preference, but he wasn't above a plate of cream buns and jam slice if it came to that. 'Young girl down the street shops for me,' he told me. 'I've a stash of Muggle money, just for her. When I go, you make sure she gets the rest of it, all right?'

He'd left her thousands of pounds in the end, she took it with tears pouring down her face, said it was enough to go to university. She was a nice girl. I wish I'd thought to ask her name.

'You involved in this war?' he asked me soon after I sat down on one of our last visits.

I was glad I'd not had a chance to sip my drink yet. 'What war?'

'Don't patronise me, lad. You for or against that masked fool half our idiot family sees as the saviour of Wizardingkind?'

I'd looked at him, long and sober. 'Against,' I confirmed. 'Actively against.'

'Good lad. It's bad enough your idiot brother thinks that lunatic's rantings are worthwhile.'

'He's just following Cissie,' I muttered. I believed it. Regulus had been happy to be taken under the Malfoy wing, and our cousin had always been charming.

That was the last we spoke of it. After that, most of our conversations were about his younger days, how he'd once been in love with a Muggle girl, how his best friend had been a little bit of a 'you know' and so he thought that young Remus ought to share whatever house I rented with the little bit of money he was going to leave me, how my mother was a vile harridan even in her youth. He did a disturbingly accurate impersonation of her.

In the end, he left me everything, save the Muggle money for that girl, a bequest for St Mungo's and a vase that she had always hated for my mother.

I bought the flat, large and airy. It had a high attic room and Juliet balcony that you could land on with a broom if you were careful. It was easy to convince Remus to move in, once he saw how I lived without him. Not a day went by that I didn't thank Alphard.

Regulus was at the funeral. We sat beside each other formally, and he squeezed my hand where no one could see. I squeezed his back. He was still my brother, though we had barely spoken through the year.

'What did mother say about you coming?' I whispered.

'I told her someone had to represent the family, and that she owed him for the vase.'

We grinned at each other conspiratorially, and it was as though all those shouted arguments had never happened.

Mother didn't attempt to stop Alphard's internment in the family tomb, I would like to think that even she would have hesitated at that.

Regulus shook my hand before he left.

'I'm buying a place with the money he left me,' I told him. 'There are three bedrooms, you could …'

He shook his head. 'Back to school in a month, anyway,' he muttered. 'I'd best be off. Cousin Bellatrix It's Good To See Traditions Upheld is coming over.'

I half-smiled at that. 'What's Mother calling me?'

And Reggie bit his lip, and hugged me, and said goodbye. And the smile left my face altogether as I watched him leave and realised why he couldn't answer that – because she never spoke my name at all.

...................................................

You can judge me over Snape. It wouldn't be unfair. Something about him always irked me. But I did try, once or twice. Not that Remus ever saw that; he seemed to only appear when we were at each other's throats. He would just shake his head at me back then, but years later he told me that it was the only time I disappointed him.

When Regulus started to follow Snape about, I actually made a conscious effort. To the extent that I sent Snivellus a letter, rather than hexing him in the corridors. On good parchment, even. I was as surprised as he was when he met me in the Owlery that afternoon.

He had his wand drawn, and I suspect it was only the fact that I was alone that stopped him opening the meeting with a curse. I held my hands out openly. 'Truce,' I offered.

'What do you want?' he muttered, looking at my hands.

'Five minutes. I want to talk with you about what you're doing still following slime like Rosier, Avery and Wilkes about. Lucius is gone now, you don't need to trot about spouting pureblood rubbish to impress him anymore. I won't tell, and Reg likes you, so he won't tell either.'

'Good day, Black.' He turned to leave.

'No, wait, I'm serious.' I think he only turned back because I sounded so surprised. 'You're not stupid, so I don't get why you're happy to hang out with that lot of freaks. You've got some nice friends. Reg is a good kid, and Evans is all right for a …'

His wand hand twitched and he looked me in the eyes then, daring.

'Evans is all right,' I concluded. 'It doesn't make any sense for you to swan about with the pureblood set when your best mate's a, you know.'

'Muggle-born?' he asked archly.

'Yeah, one of them.'

'Do you ever hear how ridiculous you sound, or do the words come out your mouth without troubling your brain?'

I held my temper in, more or less. There was a small amount of face-pulling, but nothing more. 'I mean it. I don't want Reg getting caught up with the wrong sort. I don't like you, but he does, so you need to watch who your friends are.'

I'll say this for Snape, he was always better at restraining himself than I was. He spoke quietly: 'I'm too busy watching out for your friends, Black. That's where the danger comes from.' Then he turned and walked away without looking back.

You know how it ended between us. I nearly sent him to his death. Remus didn't even lecture me on that. Just one sentence through a tight jaw the next day – 'You tried to use me as a weapon.'

I hadn't meant it, but it made no difference.

.................................................

We joined the Order straight out of school.

If we'd been older, we'd have thought about it and considered what it meant, but we were eighteen, and Dumbledore asked, and we said yes. James and I had done a few favours for the Prewett twins, and Remus had provided the names of werewolves he thought could be trusted to not follow Greyback. McGonagall vouched for us, and Peter came as part of the package.

James was thrilled, convinced it was just a matter of time before he would strike a decisive blow for the forces of goodness and Muggleborn girlfriends. I was looking forward to seriously annoying several of my relatives, and Remus just wanted to do the right thing.

Which meant that we were hopelessly unprepared.

It didn't really matter for the first year, it was still a guerrilla conflict in those days. We'd evacuate threatened families out to France and Italy; they'd burn down houses as a warning, or leave the house, but the occupants would be missing, never seen again. Remus said they were Disappeared.

The year after we left school, things changed. The first reports came in around Easter. A Muggle child torn to pieces by wild dogs, because who would suspect wolves in England? A witch's house collapsed in a freak accident, except she was an Auror on the trail of several Death Eaters and her house didn't so much collapse as was squashed. By May things had passed beyond rumour and into fact. Voldemort had brought giants and European werewolves into Britain.

The Obliviators were kept busy all through that year. An attack in Manchester became a deadly fire, the IRA was used freely as a cover – we'd have felt badly about that if they hadn't killed Mountbatten. In some ways it was lucky the Muggles were going mad anyway. Waves of violence had accompanied the election of the new Prime Minister, we hid our destruction amid it.

It was one thing to say giants, but another thing to fight against them. Remus and I had barely woken up when we heard Moody shouting at us from behind the firescreen on a mid-September morning.

I grabbed a towel, and ran to the Floo, where his head glimmered. 'The Bones house. Apparate there, bring your brooms. Wands at the ready, they're under attack. Constant vigilance!'

Remus already had his trousers on by the time I'd stood up. He threw me yesterday's jumper, and I pulled it on without a shirt. My jeans were beside my boots, and yesterday's socks were still there. I knew I'd regret the lack of an under-layer if there was a lot of flying involved, but speed, not comfort, ruled. Remus grabbed the booms while I pushed my hair back into a ponytail – I'd worked out by now that it helped to be able to see in a fight – and we were at the Bones's less than three minutes after Moody's call.

He could have warned us properly. It was sheer good luck that Remus Apparated us a little distance away – even where we landed the swing of a giant club missed us by only a few feet. We were on our brooms and in the air within seconds.

Above, an aerial ballet waged. We could see Gideon and Fabian Prewett closing in on a masked figure with their wands drawn. Caradoc Dearborn and Dorcas Meadowes flew around another. The Death Eaters were trying to avoid them at the same time as trying to cast light on the scene below.

And what a scene … three giants stamped across the Downs of Kent, tearing up verdant meadows and smashing hedgerows beneath their feet. Edgar Bones and his wife stood at the front of their farmhouse with Moody, Dumbledore, McGonagall and Marlene McKinnon. They cast spell after spell to hold the shield they had erected, but the sheer physical violence of the giants' assault was beginning to weary them; keeping their feet against the shake of every footfall was a struggle, and every few moments a Death Eater would run out of the early morning fog and attempt to break through by hex.

Remus shouted at me and we dived through the air to throw a Body-bind on one of those figures lurching towards the house. As we swung back up, Benjy Fenwick shouted to us and waved Remus alongside. He threw him a length of rope; it took me a moment to understand what they were doing, but when Benjy looped about the nearest giant's legs, I began to laugh. Remus made a fast pass, too, and the double loop pulled tight as the two of them flew in different directions. I sent a wave of compressed wind straight for it, enough to topple it away from the house and our people.

The giant fell, heavily, crushing small trees and a garden wall. As it toppled, it plucked at the air with its hands, but Benjy and Remus were too high, and Benjy was able to hit it full-on with an Incarcerous, binding its arms against its body.

Remus was already sweeping down to grab another length of rope from the yard and Charm it longer. I came up alongside him and we took down the next, tying it from its knees to its elbows, with Benjy helping it to fall.

A shout from Moody saw Remus drop suddenly down. As the morning sun began to burn off the fog, the Death Eaters had dropped their skirmishing tactics and were advancing en masse, save for two figures who held back. Remus cast a Confringo ahead of the attacking line, knocking several to the ground and showering the others with rocks and dirt.

I followed, leaping from my broom to fill the gap that Edgar Bones left as he ran back inside for his family. Marlene glanced in my direction. 'Hex to stop. Nothing gentle, they will be trying to kill you.'

There was barely time for a nod of acknowledgement before a combined assault rent what remained of the shield. With a shout the Death Eaters were upon us, and it was spell for spell. I Stupefied the first, but Marlene's shout saw me follow her lead and Confringo the next.

A few feet away a masked figure crashed heavily from the sky, and I could hear Caradoc laughing grimly above me. A quick glance saw the Prewetts and Dorcas closing in on the remaining giant. I felled another, tall Death Eater who had dodged Marlene's hex, and looked out to try and gain a sense of how the battle went.

Moody and Dumbledore had forced those before them into retreat, McGonagall was re-establishing the shield around the house, and Remus … Remus was being held by his forearms some twenty yards away by one of the two who had been at the back.

I didn't stop to think. Charged in, wand drawn, a curse on my lips. Remus shouted 'No!', and I was mid-_Crucio_ when I was tackled to the ground, bodily. My assailant kneed me in the ribs as he stood, and ran towards Lupin. I groped for my wand, and had drawn enough breath for a hex but with a shout of 'Leave him!' the Death Eater lunged forward, grabbed his accomplice and Disapparated.

Remus was beside me in an instant. 'Sit still!' he barked, feeling down my torso for cracks. He wasn't hurt. He was fine. I pulled him down, his lips against mine, felt them curve up in a smile. 'Idiot,' he muttered, then sprang up, standing over me with his wand drawn. He threw a Protego to his right, but the Death Eater was running past, not towards us. A few seconds later, he reached down, pulled me to my feet and held me tightly to his side.

'They're gone.'

McGonagall and Moody moved out to make sure the giants were secure. Dumbledore went inside to collect the Bones family, but the rest of us gathered outside around Marlene, taking breaths, laughing, relieved and surprised to be all alive.

'Did you recognise anyone?' Dorcas asked urgently. 'Are any of them left?'

We looked about, but those who had fallen had been caught up in the evacuation, only the giants left behind.

Dumbledore ushered the Boneses out towards us. 'Remus, Sirius, take them to Headquarters, keep them safe.'

Remus picked up the littlest and held his hand out for Edgar's oldest girl. Mrs Bones handed me the two boys, and Edgar wrapped his arms around her. We Apparated swiftly, wanting to take them away from the battleground that had been their home. Once at Headquarters – Dorcas Meadowe's comfortable stone cottage – Edgar sat the kids down and he and his wife set about jollying them up while Remus and I made tea and cocoa.

'Are you sure you're all right?' he asked me quietly.

'A few bruises. You?'

'Fine.'

'I know that voice,' I muttered. 'When that Death Eater shouted at you, I've heard it before.'

Remus frowned at me. 'It's hard to tell underneath the masks. I think they have a Charm to disguise their speech.'

I shook my head. 'I'm certain I've heard it before.'

'Rosier?' he suggested. 'Lucius? He was the right height.'

'Merlin knows he'd be happy to get a knee in, but would probably draw the line at AK-ing me.'

'Exactly. Could well have been him. Do you think we ought to tell Dumbledore?'

I shrugged. 'Is there any point?'

Remus smiled wryly. Lucius was so tightly in with the Ministry that all of the Order's suspicions had been met with headshaking and fearful glances, even in the Auror division.

There was a rattle at the door, and Remus and I ran from the kitchen, wands drawn, to meet Edgar coming in the other direction. We paused in the hallway, each with a hex on his lips, and probably scared ten years off the life of Peter, who swung the door open carelessly, then froze.

'It's all right,' Remus said. 'Come in Peter, you missed all the excitement.'

'Where were you?' Edgar barked at him.

Peter cowered. Remus stepped forward and led him in, away from the doorway. 'What Edgar means is, there was an attack at his place this morning. Didn't Moody try to reach you?'

'I've not been home. I went round to see you two and you weren't there, so I thought you might be here.'

Remus chuckled. 'Why Peter Pettigrew, did you spend the evening chatting up a young lady?'

Peter grinned and blushed at him, and failed entirely to hear my muttered ' … aka copping off with your left hand.' Which was just as well, because that was cruel.

'Come on in, there's tea, I'll make some toast.'

Most of the Order was back by the time the toast was made. Not half an hour ago we had been fighting for our lives; now we drank tea and exchanged news about what Lily and James had said in postcards sent from their honeymoon.

'We have a safehouse that will fit all of you,' Dumbledore assured Mrs Bones. 'We'll make sure we bring everything, the children's toys, the pets. It will be an adventure.'

'Stronger wards, Edgar,' Moody enjoined. 'We need to hide you properly. You're a target.'

'Look at the two of you,' Caradoc teased Remus and me. 'Running to each other's defence. Oh to have a fair-haired hero standing above me, Black, it makes my maidenly heart fairly beat a tattoo.'

'Nothing maidenly about your heart, Dearborn,' Gideon announced, dropping into the seat beside him. 'From what my uncles tell me you were a right pantsman back in the day.'

'Girls were less fussy then,' Caradoc smiled.

Remus smiled tightly. 'I was fine, you know.'

'He had you by the wand arm,' I reminded him.

'And I had him by his! Besides, who ended up hurt?'

'Barely a bruise. Trust me, I have no intention of dying in this war.'

Remus's face drew in tightly. 'You'd better stay alive, Sirius."

I was going to make a joke, but my breath was caught and no words would come.

Remus saw, he patted my shoulder in mock dismissal. 'Without you or James, I'd be out on the streets,' he sighed.

I tried to laugh it off. 'Peter would take you in. There's room at his mum's for you, too.'

Peter looked up, surprised. 'What? Oh, yes, of course.'

I felt a moment of guilt then, because Peter looked so startled by the whole exchange, as though it had never occurred to him that any of us would have to turn to him in need.

I felt sorry for him, and I decided that I would make a serious effort to be nicer, or at least involve him more. I'd find a way for him to feel special, and needed, even if he wasn't, really.

..................................................


	2. Chapter 2

It was James who noticed first. Not that he knew what it meant; he could be stupid sometimes. But everything fell into place for me when he grouched that Evans was cross with him again, and anyone would think that she and Remus had the same illness.

'Puts him in the hospital wing and makes her bitchy as all get-out. Regular as clockwork, every month. I think it's a hex.'

It was also my first inkling that I would need to have a series of complex and possibly illustrated chats with Potter over the coming years, but at the time, I patted him on the head and ran to the library.

McGonners stopped me in the hallway, and encouraged me to head to whatever devilry I was up to at a more decorous pace.

'Independent research, professor!' I chirped.

'God save us all,' she muttered darkly in reply.

Miss Pince was torn between delight that a student had come to work without an armful of homework, and horror that student was me.

'Perhaps I could collect the books for you, and you could look over them at my desk?' she suggested.

'I'm fine, Miss Pince,' I smiled brightly. 'Your talk on the joy of learning inspired me!'

'Yes, but I didn't mean that you should want to _touch_ the books ...'

After I showed her my carefully washed hands, and swore on my family name that I wasn't hiding any incendiary devices under my robes, she let me loose in the general section. It wasn't hard to find the books I was looking for. Half an hour, and I had enough to prove my hypothesis. I wandered up to the Hospital Wing, and found Remus eating his breakfast gingerly.

'Toast and marmalade at eleven, Lupin? You degenerate.'

He waved two fingers randomly in my direction, but seemed happy enough to see me. 'Come to make sure I'm not dead?'

I sat down on the chair beside his bed and swiped a piece of his toast. 'Come to tell you you're rumbled.'

'Oh yes?'

'Yup, eighteen months of you buggering off every full moon and I have, at long last, figured it out.'

'Hardly every full moon.'

I caught his eyes. 'Every full moon, Remus. I've been counting.'

He blinked, but he didn't look away. He looked … nervous.

'It's all right,' I reassured him. 'I think it's brilliant!'

He did look away at that. 'It's not brilliant,' he muttered. 'Anything but.'

'Are you joking?' I exclaimed.

'Shhhhhh!' He looked down the row of beds to where one of the Hufflepuffs was nursing a broken wrist.

I lowered my voice to a whisper and continued. 'It _is_ brilliant! You can change shape, you can run about the moors, you're special!'

'It's not like that. They lock me in a shack so I won't attack anyone. And it hurts.' His eyes met mine again, and they were sad.

'When people find out, they're disgusted. And they're scared.'

I hadn't even realised that I'd taken his hand. 'I'm not scared. And I think you're brilliant. Explains why you can always smell Pettigrew's socks,' I said, trying to make him laugh.

'Sirius …'

'I won't tell them,' I promised. 'Though James will probably work it out, and he won't be able to resist telling me and Peter.'

Remus nodded, sadly. 'It was only ever a matter of time.'

'But,' my brain had finally kicked into gear, 'it's actually good if we all know. We can come up with much better ways of dealing with it than you ending up in the hospital wing every month.'

He did smile at that. 'Oh yes?'

'Well, for a start, we pad the walls of that shack so you stop looking as though you've been in a riot.'

'Sounds very tasteful, like an asylum.'

'But in elegant colours!' I grinned. 'And it's only humans you feel impelled to attack, isn't it?'

I grinned more widely at his surprised nod. 'I did research,' I told him. 'So, since you're always well-fed and are, no doubt, a highly genteel wolf, I suggest we buy you a pet. Maybe a puppy, or a goat.'

'That we keep in the dormitory for the rest of the month. Excellent plan, and one that stands no chance of coming to any dismal end.'

'I knew you'd approve.'

I stayed with him till he was ready to leave. I only noticed that I was still holding his hand when he had to change out of his pyjamas.

...........................................

For a few weeks after the attack on the Bones house, things were quiet. Remus and I settled down to an easy routine: breakfasts in Muggle London, and afternoons at Headquarters if there was any strategising to be done, or popping onto the bike and going for a ride if there wasn't. It was a strange kind of lull where we were grateful for the peace, but never easy in it.

As often as not we'd end up in bed – ours, a hotel's – with our ongoing quest to finesse our fumblings into something approaching grace. It was never _easy_ between us, we were both strong, selfish. And now we were quiet, holding inside the fears that could never be left at bay. But we tried to be tender, my fingers in his hair, his lips on my throat. And if there were sometimes bruises, there was always desire, and it was met. It was still comfort of a sort, though not the kind we had once been to each other.

James and Lily returned, full of glee and newness, and Caradoc Dearborn disappeared, along with his library and collection of artefacts. His house was eerily neat, with vacant spaces the only thing marking the wrongness.

Sometimes Remus woke me while we were sleeping, with kicks and murmurs, or a snarl. I'd hold him, and smooth his hair till he stopped, or woke. He used to tell me that he was chasing rabbits in his dreams when he was like this at school, he never gave a reason now. But his sleep was more disturbed than ever, and he grew pale, and worried.

That's probably why I left him in bed the night Lily Flooed to tell me that Peter hadn't shown up for dinner. James had gone to look at Mrs Pettigrew's, but had drawn a blank. They were worried, could I poke about at Diagon Alley? It wasn't far …

It turned out to be a beautiful night for a ride. I smiled at the feel of hair whipping in the wind. Remus was on at me to cut it shorter, I think because he was tired of it in his face. He'd bought me goggles for my birthday, they were brilliant, I even wore them flying when I remembered. I felt like a mad alchemist aboard an iron broom, off to vanquish witch hunters.

I probably should have been concentrating more. At least I had slowed to a crawl for a tight Canning Town corner when they hit me. The hex took the bike out from under me, and I slid across the road, grateful for the leathers. It was a good fall, as they go, and I was able to roll behind a parked car with barely a pause for breath as two sets of feet landed with brooms.

'He's over there,' barked a man's voice.

I scuttled to the next car, moments before the first was flipped out from the gutter. My wand was drawn, but I needed them closer together before I tried an attack: the odds were better that way.

'No point hiding, Black,' the second Death Eater called out. 'We know it's you, and we know someone who's keen for a little chat.'

It was galling to admit that Remus was right and the bike was an indulgence. I decided then that if I lived, I'd admit it to him. But first I had to ensure the living part.

Happily, they were stupid. The obvious tactic was to split up and approach me from different ends of the street, they approached each other instead. I had the moment I needed, but not the angle. Not stopping to think, I leapt out from my cover. They were both in front of me as I threw a Confringo, but I wasn't fast enough. The rearmost Death Eater mimicked my gesture, and we were hit by each other's spells almost simultaneously.

As I fell through the air I twisted, trying to keep my head up, to protect my neck. They don't lie when they say time slows down at these moments – but maybe it's more that your body speeds up. Thinking becomes focussed, uncluttered. The road knocked the wind from me as it hit my ribs, and I had too much speed to fall well this time. My head came down hard, the crack blinding, deafening, a moment of neural overload.

Then nothing. For a long instant, blackness and suspension. I was expecting pain, but so much pain doesn't register. And then it subsided a little, and I could think again, and feel again, and everything hurt. I tried to stand, but my leg didn't work. I tried again, and this time I heard myself scream as I put my foot to the ground. So I rolled into the gutter, instead.

My wand was there, a few feet in front of me. I crawled to it and cast a Lumos. The two Death Eaters had not regained consciousness. One of them did not appear to be breathing. I looked down. My foot was hanging off my leg at a wrong angle. My shoulder hurt, and my ribs wouldn't move properly. The side of my head was warm and wet. But I was still alive. Everything could heal.

Now I just needed to get home to Remus. As soon as I had a little nap.

He found me there some half hour later. I suppose I was dazed, though I thought I was clear. I saw a taxi go past the cross street, towards Victoria Dock Road, but no one else in sight. When I heard his step, I thought it was a Muggle coming home. I was going to ask for a taxi. But it was him. And he was running.

'You stupid fool,' he panted, holding me up out of the dampness. 'Are you all right? Oh you idiot, look at you.'

'I'm all right,' I whispered. 'I think I broke my foot.'

He told me he had looked over half of London for me, found me by scent. I made him park the bike before he Apparated me to St Mungo's. He threatened to blow it up, but he lifted it instead and rolled it back onto its stand. And then he held me to his chest, and the world spun, and we were in the foyer and he was shouting for help.

He stayed with me through the night, sleeping a little in the chair beside my bed. Around four in the morning I woke to the sound of voices.

'But he's all right?'

It was Regulus, and he was standing close, his face worried and drawn.

'He'll be fine. He just needs to sleep. His bones will be knitted by morning.'

'They were bragging about it,' Reggie said with a shiver. 'Muncible found them. He brought Avery back, he was bragging he'd killed a Black. Thought it was all very funny, even though he looks a mess. Malfalda still hasn't woken up. I had to wait until the celebratory drinks were over before I could leave.'

Remus had a hand on his shoulder. 'Avery's an idiot. But let him think he succeeded if you like, it will buy him a few days' peace. Why were they after him?'

Regulus looked at him in surprise. 'Because he's not meant to be with you,' he answered honestly. 'He's meant to be one of us.'

'Not likely,' I croaked.

They were at my side in a second, each with one of my hands.

'Are you all right?' Reggie looked so young.

'Come to finish the job?' I asked, mostly joking.

'Not funny, Sirius. I can't stay long, are you all right?'

I gripped his hand tightly. 'I'm fine, and you _can_ stay. Stay properly. It's serious now, and I don't want you out there.'

He gripped back, and pushed my hair out of my eyes. 'I'll stay.' He smiled at me. 'For tonight. But tomorrow there are things I have to do.'

'Don't make me hex you, Reggie,' I muttered, but I was already falling asleep.

When I woke later that day, Remus told me that he had left around seven. I never saw him again.

.............................................

It was Peter who came up with the idea of learning to be Animagi. More or less.

James was working on the idea that we would buy Remus a lion from Harrod's. He'd read a story in one of my magazines that convinced him it was a workable plan. I had filled the Shrieking Shack with ropes and balls and cow bones every month for Remus to worry. Peter, who had spent the days before and after the first full moon after being told with his wand in his hand, just rolled his eyes and declared that with all this fuss, it would be easier if Lupin _did_ bite us, so we could be werewolves, too.

He was smart enough to say it out of Remus's hearing, so I didn't need to smack him, though I was tempted to anyway, for form's sake. But it made me think.

'Werewolves only attack humans, unless they want to eat,' I mused.

'Thank you so much, Black, I had never realised, but you are a font of information,' James replied helpfully.

'Shut up Potter, you wally. I'm _thinking_.'

'I can hear the whirring from here.'

'Oh, the hilarity.' I paced the room for a few minutes, finally flopping down on James's bed. 'I have a plan,' I announced. 'And, needless to say, it is genius. Pettigrew, you were right.'

'I was?' he squeaked.

'Except for the bit about us being werewolves. But we could be _wolves_!' I announced with a flourish.

They looked at me. Expectantly. For about a minute.

'And?' James finally prodded.

'That's it.'

'That's the plan?'

'That's the plan.'

'But Polyjuice doesn't work with animals,' Peter protested, 'It won't _work_. And anyway, he'd know what we are underneath.'

'He's not talking about Polyjuice,' James realised.

'I am not,' I confirmed.

'He's talking about becoming Animagi.'

'That is correct.'

James grinned at me and I grinned back at him. Peter gibbered at me, pointing his finger and shaking his head.

'Oh come on,' I grinned encouragingly at him. 'How hard can it be?'

Three years later, we stopped Remus as he left Hogwarts. It was a few weeks after the start of fifth year, and the full moon was conveniently on a Saturday.

'Moony, do you have a minute?' I asked.

He glanced at his watch. 'Sure, half an hour, what's up?'

'I've something to show you. Won't take that long. Walk with you to Hogsmeade?'

We ambled out through the school gates, enjoying the new freedoms that came with being OWLs students. I teased him about his prefecture, again, he ignored me, again. He asked which girl I was bothering this week, and I barked. He walked a few steps, then turned towards me. Then looked down.

'Sirius?'

I put my paws on his shoulders and licked his face.

Laughing, he pushed me off. 'Sirius? That's really you? How in Circe's name did you …' He stopped, and looked at me quietly. 'That's really you.'

I changed back, my hands still on his shoulders. 'It is. Occurred to me you might like some company.'

He smiled that smile of his, and I gathered him into a hug.

'A big black dog,' he said, laughing. 'Of course you are.'

I stepped back and grinned at him. 'Irish wolfhound, I'd say. And there's more.'

We rounded the corner and were met by a stag with a rat standing up proudly on its hind legs. Remus looked from them to my nodding smile, and back again. He burst out into gales of laughter, to the point that I had to hold him up.

James transfigured back and joined in. 'We knew you'd be impressed. Did you note the mightiness of my antlers and nobility of my stance?'

'You're a regular monarch of the glen, Potter,' Remus laughed. 'And Pettigrew, well done, a much more practical choice than either of these egomaniacs. No one would suspect you of compensating for anything.'

Peter shifted back to his rightful form and smiled brightly. 'You really think so?'

'I do,' Remus reassured him. 'So I take it that the three of you plan to test out the whole not-dangerous-to-animals theory tonight.'

'Very quick, Moony!' I congratulated him. 'As I see it, should it turn out that you are in fact a slathering sociopath of the animal world, I'll be able to hold you at bay long enough for James to change back and Shield me while we both run from the Shack, and Peter will be small enough to run through the cracks in the walls.'

'What if I turn on James first?'

'Evans will love you forever.'

'Hey! Don't listen to him. If you turn on me, Sirius will throw himself in front of me in a selfless bid to keep his best friends from rending each other to pieces. It will be a tragic loss and Evans will comfort me.'

Remus shook his head at the stupidity. 'Who'll comfort me?'

I flung a casual arm around his shoulders. 'I'll come back from the dead to haunt you and keep you company while these two eschew the bonds of brotherhood for cheap floozies.'

'Evans is _not_ cheap,' James began to explain as we resumed the walk.

But I didn't listen to his detailed break-down of the cost of gifts to date. I was too busy concentrating on Remus's smile, and his muttered 'Well, that will be all right, then.'

.............................................

The Healers mended the bones, but it was several days before I could walk about the flat with anything approaching steadiness. Remus threatened to tie me to the bed, and I promised to enjoy it. James and Lily came by and cooked proper meals for us, ruining all our fun, but with care and love.

Peter was in and out of the flat with fruit baskets and bunches of flowers; he was mortified that the whole thing had been caused by his misunderstanding, he'd thought the dinner was for another night and had gone off for a game of darts with his cousin.

I reassured him that there was no lasting harm done, once Remus had retrieved the bike and it had turned out to have no worse damage than a scraped exhaust. It didn't stop Peter doing our laundry and our dishes, and Remus encouraged me to stop forgiving him until the house was clean.

On my third day at home, there was a loud knock at the door.

Remus came into the bedroom, frowning. 'Don't get upset,' he told me.

He moved from the doorway to reveal my father.

We blinked at each other a few times. For a moment, I was genuinely touched.

He took a half-step towards me. 'Sirius, is he here? Are you hiding him?'

Realisation came swiftly. 'Reggie? No, I saw him when I was in the hospital, but not since.'

'None of your people have …' his voice was barely more than a whisper.

I shook my head decisively. 'I was the last one attacked. He came to see me, to check I was all right.'

My father groaned. 'Stupid, stupid! He can't be seen with you!'

'I told him to stay!' I insisted. 'I told him I'd take care of him! But he left while we were sleeping.'

My father closed his eyes, and stood very still for a long minute. 'He hasn't been home. Kreacher can't find him. I think you got him killed.'

It felt as though I had stepped from a high place with nothing beneath me. 'I told him to stay,' I whispered. 'He told me he had things to do. I thought he would come here when he could.'

Father looked at me sadly. 'I know you did. Maybe he meant to. But then you'd just have got him killed a little later.'

He came to my bedside then, and kissed my forehead gently. 'Goodbye, son. I loved the both of you, remember that. I'll mourn you equally.'

'Dad, I'm not dead.'

He turned and walked towards the door.

'Dad!' I called after him, 'I'm not dead!'

I tried to chase after him, but the dizziness overtook me before I even made it to the door and Remus was too busy catching me to catch him.

'I told him to stay,' I repeated.

'You did,' Remus agreed, holding me tightly. 'I think he wanted to. But I think he had to come in his own way.'

'And they've killed him first.'

'Maybe he's just away? Maybe he's fled?'

I shook my head bitterly. 'Kreacher could always find him. When we were little and he'd hide in these stupid places, she'd send Kreacher after him and he'd Apparate him back. He could _always_ find him.'

Remus held me tighter, and we both sank to the floor.

When my father died seven weeks later, I was told to stay away from the funeral. I did.

..........................................

Things at home had never been spectacular. Mother threw a book at my head when I taught Regulus to say 'groovy' the year before he started school. That should probably have been a sign.

But for the most part, it was a normal family. We sat down for dinner of an evening, had family spells, laughed when visitors were caught by the curtains. We yelled at each other, but no more so than most.

We had our little traditions and our little jokes. To this day I can blazon our arms: per chevron inverted sable and argent, three ravens close, on a chevron inverted gules a seme estoily sable, a gauntlet dexter grasping a wand, proper. Though I never held by the motto.

If it hadn't been for Voldemort, we might have gone on like this forever. Mother would have railed against my Muggle posters, Regulus would have been the Good One, Father would have poured me a drink on the sly in his study of an evening until I turned seventeen and could take one at the table. It wasn't so bad.

But Voldemort poisoned everything he touched. Underneath the surface the war bubbled away, infecting all of us. _The Prophet_ stopped reporting attacks, stopped even reporting the names of the dead. One day there would be a family who worked to make you hand-tailored robes, the next day they would have disappeared and you would be shopping at Madame Malkin's with the hoi polloi.

I subscribed to _The Times_ and _The Sun_. There was a lot of news in the latter that the former never covered and the Page Three girls were a mere happy accident. In later years, I came to rely on the tabloid for headlines such as 'Wolves Ate My Chickens' and 'Houses Crushed in Landslide: "Like Giant Stomped on Them"'. Even in those earlier days, the broadsheet had the most accurate obituaries column in the country, and I knew enough to recognise the names of the Muggleborn and part-Muggle as they began to appear regularly.

Mother was appalled that I'd have such filth in the house, so I had them delivered to a post office box in the holidays and only brought home clippings. Kreacher reported the box under my bed one summer, even though I had it carefully labelled Big Busty Brunettes. Maybe he was smarter than I thought and could see the obvious fallacy there.

James always blamed Mother for me leaving home, but if I am being honest, and I am trying to be, we were both at fault.

Because there was no real need for me to paint my room in Gryffindor colours and wear my scarf at home. And I am fairly sure that everyone understood we'd won the house cup over Slytherin on my first mention each year, and the subsequent few hundred were probably redundant.

Remus once pointed out that Mother and I were very much alike and, though I threatened to punch him for it, he was probably right.

But it was Kreacher who provoked the final argument. He came trotting to the dinner table holding the offending box, a clipping held with delicate disgust between his long fingers. 'Mistress has banned these items from her house,' he declared. 'Foul, unnatural, unmoving pages!'

I rolled my eyes and made a grab for the box. He darted away, and I had my wand in my hand and a hex on my lips before I even stopped to think.

'Sirius!' My father's voice stopped me. 'You are at the table. You have been told not to bring those publications into the house and now you attempt to assault our senior elf in a fit of pique because you have been found out. What are you thinking?'

I muttered an apology, and things might have ended there if Mother hadn't weighed in. 'You're a disgrace to the good name of Black.'

'How so?' I'd meant to think it, but the words rang out.

'All this Muggle-loving. Do you think they care? Do you think the Mudbloods will be filled with gratitude? Is that it? Is there a girl?'

I ignored Reggie's snort of laughter at that.

'I argue for Muggle rights because it is the right thing to do,' I replied, with as much dignity as I could muster. 'Grindelwald's plans for Wizarding domination went with live in an age of tolerance, you know.'

She narrowed her eyes. 'Gellert Grindelwald was not the only one to see the way forward for our kind. You wait and see. A time will come when the natural order is re-established, and it may not be long at that.'

'Well, which natural order is it, Mother? Wizards and witches are better than Muggles, or Muggle-born are lesser than purebloods? Because if it's magic that makes us superior, then they are, too.'

'You take that back,' she hissed.

'Mum, Sirius …' Regulus's smirk disappeared and was replaced by a worried look. 'He's just showing off to get a rise out of you. Ignore him. He doesn't even know any Muggle-born. All his mates are purebloods.'

And I should have thought before I tossed back, 'Not like yours.'

He looked at me blankly, and, like an idiot, I went on. 'What, hasn't Snivellus told you who his father was? Haven't any of you had the sense to wonder why he's the only Snape you know?'

'Leave Sev out of this, he's a good and decent person and you lot make his life a misery.'

'He's as much of a blood zealot as you are, yet his father was a Muggle.'

Regulus launched himself across the table at me. 'Take it _back_!'

He landed a few good punches, I was so surprised that I didn't even fight back. And then he was being hauled back by one strong hand, and another had me by the collar and our Father was turning from one to the other to glare and fume, and if only one of us had thought to laugh then, it would still have been all right.

But Mother spoke instead. 'You will not assault your brother in my house!'

'Fine.' I took a step back and brushed down my robes. 'I'll be on my way then.'

'Sit down and eat your dinner like a civilised person,' Father ordered.

'He wouldn't know how,' Mother spat.

I threw my napkin on the table. 'I've had enough of this, I'm going where I'm appreciated.'

She pointed a finger at me. 'I will not be spoken to that way. If you walk out that door, don't think you can come back.'

'Mum!' Reggie was appalled.

But I still wasn't thinking. 'Fine,' I said. 'I'll not offend your delicate sensibilities any further.'

Regulus called after me. 'Sirius! Don't be an idiot! Siri!'

'He'll come back,' said my father, and his was the last voice I heard as the door closed behind me.

I sat under a tree in the square for about half an hour while I pondered what to do. Regulus climbed down from the top floor with my broom tied to his back, and came to sit beside me.

'She's really mad.' He untied the broom and passed it to me.

'I know.'

'Should I send your stuff to the Potters'?'

'I s'pose.'

'Just go back in and tell her you're sorry.'

'But I'm not.'

'Lie.'

'We lie all the time, Reggie, I'm tired of it.'

'Merlin, you're up yourself.'

We sat silently for a few minutes.

'Could you apologise for _me_?' he asked eventually.

'Could you ditch Snape and Mulciber for me?'

I didn't look at his face then. I should have. After a moment he stood up and put his hand on my head. 'I'll send your stuff over.'

He walked back towards the house.

'I'll see you at school.'

'Yeah,' he replied, without looking back. I watched him climb back up to his window before I climbed onto my broom and flew to James's house.

James's mum answered my knock at the door. I plastered a smile onto my face. 'Hello, Mrs P. Remember how you always said you thought of me as a second son?'

..........................................

In the weeks following the attack on me, things escalated. A group of Aurors were called to an alleged brawl, and found themselves surrounded by Death Eaters. But they hadn't counted on Moody. He killed two and took down eight more. It was his finest hour, even if it cost him part of his nose.

We were dragged into Headquarters every day, and spent hours flying sweeps of the country, looking for signs of giants. Arthur Weasley came back to the Order full-time, his wife told him that the twins were old enough for her to manage by herself now. Dorcas devised a spell that would show the presence of werewolves, and Remus developed a sudden headache that meant he had to go home straight away.

I left with him, managing not to laugh. We were halfway home before I couldn't hold off telling him that I thought he'd look spiffing green.

'Yes, very funny. You can explain to everyone who doesn't know that I am the good kind of werewolf and ask them to try not to hex me next full moon.'

I rolled my eyes at him. 'Of course they all know, we call you _Moony_ for Merlin's sake.'

'Really, Padfoot? And exactly how many of them know your little secret.'

I ignored his logic. 'Well, Dumbledore knows, and he's in charge.'

'And he has very good reasons for keeping it a secret. Idiot. Come on, if we're not hunting Death Eaters, I want ice-cream.'

We rode down to Diagon Alley, and I went ahead to Fortescue's to order sundaes for us while Remus ducked into Flourish and Blotts. When the cream had started to run down the side of his glass, I went looking for him.

And I had learned. I went looking quietly, and with my wand drawn.

They were standing outside the bookshop, just the two of them.

Snape was holding Remus's sleeve. His voice was low and urgent. 'Not at all? Not even a message?'

Remus shook his head. 'Nothing.'

I was close enough now. They both jumped when I spoke. 'Step away from him. Don't draw your wand.'

Snape's face was a sneer as he turned. Remus put his hands up to stop me. 'It's all right, he's asking about Regulus.'

I snorted. 'What the _fuck_ do you care? You've killed him, isn't that enough?'

Snape looked as though he'd been slapped. 'Do you know? Are you certain?' he asked in a whisper.

I couldn't speak. Remus could. 'Mr Black came by the other week. He seems convinced Regulus is dead. We saw him after the attack on Sirius, he said he had to finish a few things, and then he'd come to us.'

Snape looked sick then. 'If they found out …'

I could speak then. 'Death before desertion. We know how your lot operate. He trusted you. You got him killed.'

'I … no, it wasn't like that. He was my friend.'

'How many more of your friends will you kill before this is done?'

And for a single moment, looking at the horror that filled his eyes, I felt sorry for him, because I knew exactly how he felt. But he was gone before I could more than register the thought.

'That was cruel,' Remus told me, taking my hand. I hadn't realised that it had been shaking till it was held in his stillness.

'I don't care.'

'I think you do. He's not so different to us.'

I frowned at him. 'How can you say that? Why are you even talking to him?'

Remus's mouth twitched in frustration, with words that wouldn't pass his lips. Finally, he sighed and began to walk, not letting go of my hand. He led me away from Fortescue's. 'We're going home,' he told me.

'I don't want to,' I fumed, but when we reached the bike I climbed on and turned the engine over.

I took the long way home, past the crowd milling outside the Marquee Club. The roads around Oxford Circus were cordoned off, another bomb called in. By the time we were on Fulham Road, my face was cold and my hair was whipped into a tangle of elf-knots.

Remus grabbed my hand again as soon as I had parked the bike and pulled me up the stairs. He slammed our front door behind us, then slammed me against it and crushed his lips against mine.

I shook my head. 'No. Not now.' Now I just wanted to shake with anger and try not to cry.

'Shut up.' He held me there with one hand and used the other to undo my jacket and shirt.

I slapped his hand away. '_Not_ now!'

Suddenly both my hands were in his and he was dragging me down the hall. '_Yes_ now, and just shut up.'

'Why?'

'Because, Sirius, I am asking you to, just once.'

And I did. People forget, you see, that he was stronger than me. Not that he needed strength. Just to ask.

And when he had me on my back, full of him, with his grip bruising my thigh and a rhythm as necessary as breathing between us, he paused for a moment and turned my jaw so I had to look at him and he said, 'This.'

And later, when he had fallen to my chest, and the reek of spill and sweat had his taste fairly in the air, I had a moment when I could think again, and I asked, 'This what?'

And it was a long moment before he looked up at me, and gently, softly, kissed my mouth, with all the violence of the past hour spent, and he told me.

'This is how I can say that. Because you're alive, Sirius. We're alive. And as long as we're alive, it can still all turn out all right, no matter what goes wrong.'

And I believed him.

................................


	3. Chapter 3

James and Lily maintained that they knew about us all along. In Lily's case, it could have been true. Evans was always a smart girl, for all that she hung around Snivellus, and she never once warned any of her girlfriends away from me. When I asked her out in fourth year, just to see what colour James would turn, she patted me on the head and told me she didn't need five minute's snogging followed by a half-hour display of self-centredness. Which was cruel, but not entirely wide of the mark.

It wasn't that I didn't know how I felt for Moony, it was more that no one talked about that sort of thing. If the Prewetts hadn't left me their entire collection of personal esoterica when they left school, it could have been years before I worked out the mechanics.

I like to think that Remus would have made a special effort in the library before then.

But as it was, it still took me a long time to act on it. It could have been longer if it we hadn't suddenly found ourselves able to move about with impunity.

In actual fact, James's borderline-deranged obsession with Evans was the original impetus for the map, but I don't think we'd have made it without Remus's determination to drill us in Charms.

'It's embarrassing,' he moaned dramatically. 'I can live with being beaten by Ravenclaws in Transfiguration, since Pettigrew seems congenitally unable to transform any object into anything other than a rodent, but being beaten by Slytherins because the two of you can't stop arsing about long enough to levitate a table … I may as well defect to Hufflepuff.'

'Don't do that, Moony,' James cajoled. 'Who will we copy our homework from?'

'And who will advise me on flea treatments?' I helped.

'I hate you both,' he informed us.

But he began to set us extra reading and was quick to point out that knowledge was power, which we should have fun misusing.

'You know,' James mused one evening over books, 'Even with Moony allowed to leave the premises and Wormtail at pocket-size, the two of us don't really fit under the cloak anymore.'

'What are you talking about, Prongs?' Peter looked up, wide-eyed. 'I've never been in your pocket! I have no wish to be in your pocket!'

'It wouldn't be so bad if you could walk in a straight line instead of like a drunken sailor,' I told James.

'You try walking beside those lanky legs of yours, it's like consorting with a giraffe.'

'Your pockets hold nothing of interest for me!'

'Poor stumpy Prongs, it's only a few inches.'

'I'm ignoring that. My point is, we wouldn't need the cloak if we didn't have to avoid being seen.'

'I never even look at them!'

'Yes, because being caught sneaking out of school would be so much more fun.'

'No, Padfoot, we are going to use our _brains_! Wormtail, what are you wittering on about?'

'Me? Nothing!'

'Brains, Prongs? Go on, amaze me.'

'I thought you'd never ask.'

It turned out to be a plan for 1:100 scale model of Hogwarts, with little figures representing every creature within it.

I'd nearly stopped laughing when Remus came back up to the dormitory. He gave James full points for the concept, but shook his head at the idiocy of the proposed execution.

'We have these things, Prongs, we call them maps. They fold up very small, you can keep them in your pocket.'

Peter looked panickedly up at the word, but James didn't notice, he was too busy grinning in wonder at Remus.

It took hours to develop the concept, then weeks to construct the charms. Peter came up with the name, and Remus devised the actual spells to make the map work. He said we'd find them easy to remember.

When it was finally done, we sat there for half an hour, watching, rapt, as the names moved about the parchment.

'Lily Evans is in the _shower_,' breathed James, awed.

'I imagine that happens daily,' I reminded him, then pointed to the lines representing the corridors outside Gryffindor Tower. 'Coast is clear, it's as good a time as any to test this.'

Peter was confused. 'But we know it works.'

James shook his head. 'No, we know it shows us people's names moving about the castle, but the calibration could be off, the names could be wrong, it could all be a load of codswallop. We need known test parameters.'

'Exactly,' I nodded. 'You and Wormtail should be the test subjects, Moony and I will track your locations.'

'Why us?' Peter asked.

Remus answered gently, 'Because Prongs has an invisibility cloak, and you can hide under almost anything. If Sirius and I have the map, we can track you, and see if there's anyone else that isn't showing up on it. If it fails to work, I'm a prefect and can say that I was escorting him to the hospital wing for a stomach ache. The amount of dessert he gutses down of a night, anyone would believe it.'

'Precisely!' I grinned at him.

James grabbed his cloak and flung it dramatically about his shoulders. 'Five minutes' start,' he declared. 'We meet back here in half an hour. You two keep note of where you think we've been and we'll compare notes.' He hurried out with Peter.

Remus was smiling that other smile, then, the one where he's successfully put one over on someone. 'Right. Got any chocolate frogs left? We may as well do something while we wait?'

I passed one over, and we munched companionably. 'You look very pleased with yourself,' I noted.

'As well I might, this is NEWT-level work.'

'Verily, you have a mighty brain.'

'Well, I did have help.'

'You are gracious to acknowledge it.'

'Miss Pince was incredibly accommodating.'

'Is it time to leave yet?'

'Just about,' he replied with a grin.

He pulled his wand from his pocket and tapped the map with it. 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.'

The school unfolded itself before us. Frank Longbottom and his girlfriend Alice were in the Common Room, tutoring first years. Evans had clearly finished her shower, as she was walking in to join them. The corridor outside was still empty, save for the small James and Peter dots rapidly moving away, beyond them the school moved quietly into the evening.

'Dumby's visiting McGonners,' I pointed out.

'I doubt they're pursuing an affair.'

'I made no such suggestion.'

'I've met your brain before. Come on, let's go and chase down these two gibbons.'

The first ten minutes were spent making notes as to the paths Peter and James took through the hallways and stairs. We dodged out of the way of Angus Filch and his dog, Mr Barker, as they did the rounds, and made a point of not getting in the way of Benjy Fenwick's date with the Head Girl.

Then we were on the second floor, halfway down the long corridor, and the map showed Rosier, who was a seventh year prefect by then, coming from one direction, and Professor Flitwick coming from the other. Remus looked at me, I looked at him. He grabbed my hand and dragged me into the girl's loo.

Giggling, he leaned back against the closed door and clutched the map to his chest. I leaned beside him, happily aware that he still had my hand.

'Sirius,' he said, after a minute.

'Remus?' I replied.

'I borrowed one of your shirts this morning.'

'I did think you were looking particularly dashing.'

'Spotted what you were reading.'

'Ah.'

'Interesting chapter.'

'Yes.'

'Informative illustrations.'

And I had planned to say yes to that, but he had turned towards me and had his hand pressed against the front of my trousers.

'I see you recall them,' he whispered hopefully.

'I would …' I paused, and took a moment to force my voice back down from its soprano register. 'I would like to say that has nothing to do with any illustration.'

A smile spread across his face and filled his eyes. 'Is that for me?'

'It's not the first,' I confessed.

'Good. That's very good to know.'

And he was taking too long, so I leaned forward and kissed him, and he kissed me back.

It was nervous and a bit wet, and his teeth bit my lower lip a little. I'd never tasted anything so perfect.

Remus made a soft growling noise, and pushed me back against the door. Our second kiss was wilder, and his hand pressed against my trousers more urgently.

'Gnnnnnnkkkkhhhhh,' I said.

He stepped back. 'Are you all right?'

Still incoherent, I nodded, and pulled him back flush against me, remembering this time that it was possible to move my hands down from that feral shock of hair. His back was so strong and lean that I nearly forgot and lost myself there, but it occurred to me that he should know about the hand thing. So I moved my right one around and cupped him through his trousers.

He made the same noise.

'You see?' I explained as he looked at me, eyes wide.

With a panting grin he leaned back in and this time he used his hand to undo the buttons on my trousers. I've mentioned he was the clever one, haven't I?

Naturally I couldn't let a provocation like that go unanswered, so I followed suit. Of course, at the time I couldn't have said provocation. Or suit. Or I.

Just yes. A lot.

And when he started to stroke my cock, I did hit my head on the door, but I didn't even feel it.

I normally lie at this point in the story and say that we went on for ages and there were technical feats and that we ended up in the Prefect's Bathroom, but since I'm telling you the truth, we swapped places so Remus was against the door and I'm being generous when I suggest that we might have lasted two minutes. But we did come pretty much together, which probably had more to do with the two minutes than anything else.

But I didn't care, and neither did he. It was brilliant. Utterly, fantastically brilliant.

I went to kiss him, afterwards, and he was laughing.

'Oh Merlin, I make a stupid face when I … Do I? You can tell me.'

Remus shook his head and pointed behind me. I turned, and there were two ghostly eyes, wide and unblinking behind glasses, and a gaping mouth beneath them. We were in _that_ bathroom.

'Do you mind?' I asked.

'Oh no,' said Myrtle, earnestly. 'It's quite all right. You can come here whenever you like, I'll not tell a soul. Hardly anyone else ever comes here, it'll be _completely_ secret, I'll even keep the floors dry.'

And I meant to take umbrage, but really, I was in a terribly good mood, and I did have Remus shaking with silent laughter against me, so I accepted the offer with good grace.

We cleaned each other up, grinning like fools, and rescued the map. Myrtle hovered at a respectful, if attentive, distance. James and Peter were still scuttling about the school, though James looked as though he was headed back to the Gryffindor Tower, probably in an attempt to overhear Evans while invisible in hopes she'd say something nice about him.

'What will we tell them?' I asked.

'Chased by prefects?' Remus suggested.

'Cornered by Filch?'

Myrtle made a small cough. 'You _could_ say that you were actually caught by Filch, and that he gave you a lecture, and that you have to help him with cleaning for the next few days. That way you'd not have to go back for, say, twenty minutes, and you'd have a perfectly good excuse to get away for an hour tomorrow night, and the next.'

We stared at her.

'I'm just making a suggestion. To be helpful.'

We were so grateful that, when we finally made it to the Prefect's Bathroom, we let her come with us.

.........................................

In the lead-up to Christmas, things grew worse. Most nights we were out with the Order, some days, too. Dorcas and Marlene had developed a potion that rendered the Giants unconscious, and Moody, invigorated by his disfigurement, had set about drilling us on aerial delivery.

We had more than enough opportunity to practise. The attack on the Aurors had led to a change of thinking at the Ministry, and Edgar had forced through legislation to back it up. Now support would appear as often as not mid-battle, and afterwards there were officials to deal with the mop-up. If nothing else, professional Obliviators were a happier choice for Muggles caught up in the mess.

They euthanised the Giants, we learned later. Dumbledore was as outraged as Remus and I were, but Moody said there was no other choice, where were they to hold them? He'd recruited a few Aurors to the Order by then, Kingsley Shacklebolt, who Remus was hideously jealous of for two minutes when I first met him – he was six-two, and you should have heard his voice – and Emmaline Vance, who looked even younger than we did.

We actually caught a few of the Death Eaters, and they ended up in Azkaban this time. But for every one we stopped, it seemed there were two more. Witches and wizards who had lived in the Muggle world began moving into old safe villages, where the wards could be erected with multiple spell techniques, making them harder to break through.

At the beginning of December, James and Lily Floo-ed us early one Sunday morning. 'You two about this morning?' they asked. 'Up for a visit?'

'Do you care that the house is a shambles?' I yawned.

'Have we ever?'

They brought juice and pastries, and an altogether too cheerful attitude for that hour of the day.

'We bring news,' James declared.

'And a question,' Lily added.

'Question first,' Remus told them. 'That way the news will distract us if you've asked something dreadful.'

'Rightio,' James grinned. 'Padfoot, do you think you could be trusted with raising a Potter?'

I shook my head at him. 'James, James, James, I have told you before, that's Evans's job now. As I said at your wedding, I wash my hands of you and leave your fate to her.'

They were all smiling, and I joined in.

'So you're …?' Remus raised an eyebrow at Lily.

She nodded happily. 'For some idiotic reason we thought that Sirius might like to be Godfather. Apparently James thinks that being related to him won't be enough of a challenge for our child.'

I rushed to my own defence. 'Clearly, your beloved husband has spotted three essential points in my favour. Firstly, I come with a Remus Lupin, which is always of benefit and will doubtless allow the poor wee mite to excel at school just as our influence will see him or her display genius on a broom. Secondly, since the likelihood of us having children is effectively nil, all of my ill-gotten gains, and probably the profits of Lupin's hard-worked-for genius, will be lavished on your offspring. Thirdly, and I can't help feeling this was the clinching point, by making me responsible for the wee one's spiritual wellbeing, James – quite brilliantly if I may say so, Prongs – has guaranteed that I can never share with the sweet bairn the truth about its appalling parents.'

'_I_ have nothing to hide, but if you could keep quiet about Lily's sordid past, it'd be appreciated,' James said, hugging me. 'I take it that's a yes.'

'Can I make some name suggestions?'

'No,' said Lily immediately.

'We want a nice, happy name, something that can fit in as well at the Ministry as at the Leaky,' James said. 'We'll come up with something.'

Remus hugged Lily warmly. 'Congratulations! It's wonderful to have some good news.'

Lily smiled ruefully. 'I know it's not the best time to be having a baby, but it seems this baby has other ideas.'

'It's a perfect time,' Remus told her. 'You're working on the future, all the more reason for us to make a better now.'

'Ooh.' She hugged him tightly. 'I'm swapping. Sirius can have James, I'm taking you home, you're much nicer.'

James and I looked disdainfully at each other. 'My family is an excellent lesson in the perils of sleeping with your cousins,' I demurred.

'And even with shorter hair, you'd still take forever in the bath,' James rejected.

'Which would interrupt your beauty regime.'

'It's so sweet the way they think they're nothing like each other,' Lily stage-whispered to Remus.

'Only we can tell them apart,' he replied. Then they shared a giggle as they recalled the time after I had my hair cut and Lily had popped her hand into my trouser pocket before realising her mistake with a shriek.

The Floo burned a sudden yellow, our indicator for the Order. Remus lifted the wards and Moody stepped through. 'Wands, out, boys and girls, attack on a family with Muggleborn parents, outside Horsham. Bring your brooms, you two.'

James looked urgently to Lily. She smiled gently. 'It's all right, I'll stay behind, but when you get home, we are talking about this.'

He took her from Remus and kissed the top of her head tenderly.

'I won't be coming,' she told Moody. 'Would you like me to get Peter, instead?'

Moody was smart enough to know her choice wasn't casual, even if he didn't know why. 'I'd prefer you, but if he's all we have, then yes.'

'Try not to tell him, I should be there,' James reminded her.

She grinned. 'I know.'

Moody shared the coordinates, and the three of us Apparated out after him. He had listened to Remus's bollocking after the Bones disaster, we landed some little way from the fighting, lights and shouts coming from down the tree-lined lane. We had barely found our feet when a child's scream rent the air. I was looking at James at that moment, and I saw it in his face, the exact second when the war became personal for him, at last.

He didn't need to ask. I tossed him my broom. 'Go.'

Moody glared at me, but held his tongue. 'This is serious. I'm back to the front of the house, you two take the rear.'

He Apparated, and we jumped on Remus's broom to gain what advantage we could coming in by air. We were lucky – the Death Eaters had no-one in the sky. The house they were attacking was a cottage, really, and on a cool morning like this it should have been charming, but the thatched roof was smouldering and one wall was knocked askew, and across the garden walls climbed some twenty masked figures.

Dorcas and Marlene were standing at the front, one on each side of a frightened couple who I didn't know. James, Moody, the Longbottoms, Shacklebolt and Benjy were with them. Remus aimed directly at the back of the building and we came down fast but controlled beside the Prewetts and their brother-in-law.

'Nice of you to drop in,' Fabian greeted us. 'Temporary lull on this side, but you'll notice the movement in the viburnum, give them a minute and they'll be back. Are you both well?'

'Fine, thanks. How many?'

'Five on this side,' Gideon replied. 'But there was some noise just before you got here; they may have been joined by more. Sure I can't interest you in a cup of tea?'

'We had a lovely breakfast, thanks,' Remus replied. 'Any identification on them?'

'Fairly sure the two Lestrange brothers are out there, Rosier, I think, and there's one with blond hair who's probably Malfoy, though I'm surprised to see him out in daylight hours.'

'He's usually more circumspect,' I agreed.

'I think something's up,' Arthur muttered. 'There are too many here for such a small target. It's a trap of some sort.'

'You always think it's a trap,' Gideon ribbed him.

'Though to be fair, it often is,' Fabian defended.

Remus moved a little closer to Weasley, and spoke gently. 'How's Molly, Arthur?'

'Swollen-ankled and cranky, thinks she should be out helping us rather than trapped at home with a flock of offspring.'

'How much longer does she have?'

'Ages yet, not till March.'

'And Bill's only just turned ten, hasn't he? She's a wonder.'

Arthur smiled. 'That she is.'

They exchanged a smile, and Remus looked out over the back garden. He breathed in through his nose, then frowned. I leaned in towards him and asked what he smelled.

'Werewolves,' he whispered.

'But it's not full moon. It's daylight,' I said, surprised.

'They're still strong, still vicious. I think one of them's Greyback.'

I swore under my breath. Before there was time to even begin a response, a tide of coldness swept across us. I watched Remus's hackles rise, heard the growl in his throat. Then Moody's voice boomed out, crashing through everything. 'Inside! Inside the house! Now!'

We ran. I grabbed Arthur to make sure he wasn't last; he was the least dispensable of all of us. Inside the back door, a hall led through to the front of the house, where the others were scooping up children in the sitting room.

'Voldemort's here,' Moody announced. 'Everyone safe? Right, Dorcas, James, Benjy, get this lot to Headquarters. Rest of you, we need to hold this room together for as long as we can.'

James and his team grabbed the family and Apparated out. Remus and I stood beside Moody, helping with his wards, which were no sooner reinforced than a battering of spells hit them.

'Just a minute more,' he shouted. 'Let them think we're all still in here. Then at my word, you all go home! I'll send word when it's safe to meet.'

Curiosity got the better of me. I looked through the front windows. He was easy to spot. At the back of his troops he stood, tall and commanding, a cold white face and dark hair.

And I paused for just a second, because I had seen him before. But he had not been Lord Voldemort. He had been at my Grandfather Pollux's house, and he had been 'Our dear friend, Tom.' I was hardly surprised when I saw Cousin Bella appear beside him, mask off, face shining with glee and fury.

And I felt such a fool. I had forgotten that my family would always be there.

Moody glared. 'Ready?'

'Sirius?' Remus moved towards me. 'Oh Merlin …'

'Now!'

Remus grabbed me, and a long, nauseating moment later we were home. Juice and pastries were still on the table. He bit his lip and looked at me, then his eyes opened wide and he ran to the fireplace, throwing in a pinch of Floo powder. 'Peter Pettigrew!' he announced.

A moment later Peter's face appeared, flustered. 'Not now! I'm late! Oh, Remus, I was just coming.'

Remus's whole body relaxed. 'Thank goodness. Don't worry about being late, Wormtail. The whole thing was a trap. We only just got out.'

'Is everyone all right?'

'All fine. Is Lily still there?'

'She went home a couple of minutes ago. Should I come over?'

Remus shook his head. 'Moody said we were to all lay low until the coast was clear. Maybe later today. I'll see you later.'

The firecall blinked out as Remus left it. He stood and turned back to me.

'That was your cousin with him, wasn't it?'

I nodded.

'If we need to, should I kill her for us?'

I nodded again. 'If she …' It took me a few moments to finish the sentence. 'If she hadn't convinced Mother, Regulus would still be alive. Father would be, too.' I swallowed the bitterness that rose. 'I hate her. I hate them both.'

He came and sat beside me at the table. 'I know,' he said, pouring me a juice. He watched me drink it, then took my hand. 'But I should try not to kill Cissie, yes?'

I squeezed his hand. 'Yes.' And I smiled a little. 'I still owe her for all the chocolate frogs.'

..................................

Life at the Potters' was comfortable and easy. Reg managed to smuggle out my school chest and a few bags of my favourite things, as well as my broom. Mother sent a bill for the value when she noticed. I was all for ignoring it, but Mrs Potter sent a cheque.

The first half of the summer fell away in a relaxed haze of afternoon Quidditch practise, faffing about and studying DADA texts. We weren't meant to know that Dumbledore had formed the Order of the Phoenix, but we did. I think he'd tapped us for it even then, the Prewetts dropped unsubtle hints, and Fenwick was suddenly far chummier than he had been at school.

That warm and friendly July ended when Remus's parents died.

There was nothing sinister about their deaths, just a bad influenza that turned to pneumonia. Neither of them had ever been strong and when she died, he just let go. We were with Remus at St Mungo's. Peter, too. He brought a basket of sandwiches and flasks of tea, the most sensible thing I remember him doing.

'They'll be fine,' I told him in the early afternoon, keeping his spirits up, hoping for the best.

He took my hand and shook his head. 'They've done their best. They're tired. I told them it was all right if they needed to go.'

I put my arms around him. 'Really?'

'They don't have any choice anymore. Why make them grieve something they can't change?'

I held him more tightly. 'When did you grow so old and wise?'

He laughed, grimly. 'Oh that's the only piece of wisdom I have. And I learned it when I was six years old.'

He didn't cry that afternoon, but I did.

Remus cried later, after the funeral, when he had closed up the house and put it on the market. He moved in with us; the Potters insisted, and James made sure that he shared a room with me, because he knew and his parents didn't.

After the Lupins died, Remus grew quieter. James and I missed them, too. We'd all been to his house, even though it had been too small for us all to stay. His mother always baked a cake and his father told stories of life at the Ministry in his day.

Mr Potter told stories about him, too. He had been a brave and indefatigable campaigner for equal opportunity employment.

'That's why I was bitten,' Remus said into the quietness around the dinner table.

I was shocked, he had never mentioned his condition to anyone in front of us before, but of course he would have told the Potters. He was only sixteen after all and he needed to be able to leave once a month.

'Fenrir Greyback heard about Father finding a job for a woman he'd bitten, and he was furious. He turned up and demanded that he deserved a job, too. Father refused. Said that his hobby of attacking the innocent meant that he wasn't employable. Greyback told him he was a bigot, Dad said no, you're just a dangerous bastard. The next full moon he showed up at our place to show what a dangerous bastard he was. Thought it was a good joke. I watched Dad die for ten years after that. Compared to what it did to him, what it did to me wasn't so bad.'

Beneath the table I gripped his hand in mine.

Mrs Potter came around and hugged him. 'It's not a fair world,' she told him. 'And between the Muggles and you-know-who, it could be blown to pieces at any time. But we have each other, and that's true wealth.'

'You sound like my mum,' he told her with a smile.

I wished I could say the same.

Four years later James's parents would be dead, too. They lived long enough to see their grandson born, and were hit by trainee helicopter pilot while flying home from 1981's New Years Party at the McKinnons'. James was devastated, but at the same time he pointed out that the comedy of their demise would have appealed greatly to them. He was right, too.

But back then, the Potter house was a cheerful mix of chaos and comfort. People trekked in and out, even in those days when trust was fast disappearing. One of the first to visit after my arrival was my cousin Andromeda Do Not Mention That Woman, known to Regulus and I as Andromeda Uncle Alphard Will Sneak Her In And She Brings Sweets.

Andy brought her husband, who I hadn't met to that point, and little Dora, who I'd last seen as a toddler. She was nearly four now, and announced to everyone that she, too, was a boy, and shifted her face to match.

They became regular visitors, and this was Dora's stock game. It was hysterically funny to see Peter's expression the first time he saw her do it, but Remus would every time tell her that, while it was fine for her to look however she wanted to, she was a very pretty girl and she could have just as many adventures with her own face as with another.

She dogged his footsteps from then on, and when we went to the Tonks house, she wouldn't let us leave until he'd read her a story.

Andromeda broke the news about Mother burning me off the tapestry, I wasn't surprised. 'You are in _excellent_ company,' she informed me. 'All the best Blacks fall foul of Aunt Walburga.'

Grandfather Arcturus had forbidden mention of my name. He had hoped to steer me in the right direction at last and leave me as his heir, but had now invited Regulus to stay at the big house over the summer instead.

'So that's why he hasn't been by,' I mused.

Andy frowned for a moment. 'They watch him, Sirius. They don't want his views polluted. Pollux and Irma are determined that he should associate with only the "best" people. He couldn't get away to see you if he tried.'

'It's fine,' I shrugged. 'I'll see him at school. Besides, Remus needs me more, now.'

She saw right through me and hugged me strongly. 'Chin up. And mind how you act around young Lupin, I think Mrs Potter is almost onto you, and Mr can't be far behind.'

............................

Things turned around for us at the start of 1980 when Millicent Bagnold became Minister for Magic. She was ferocious – foul tempered and bloody minded. In the first days of her term she had a sweep of white hair and would stride along on high-heeled boots beneath midnight-blue robes. We all had a slight crush on her, despite the fact it was rumoured that she and Dumbledore had been schoolmates. She had been Chief Auror back in the forties, and moved onto the Wizengamot from there.

She declared war. In a signature on a piece of parchment, the Death Eaters went from being a banned organisation to the Enemy. Our battles, which had moved from covert to tacitly supported, were now overt policy.

Her people, the small, trusted few that she had always kept close, scoured through the Ministry, incorruptible and implacable. Wizards and witches in key places suddenly stopped coming to work. When colleagues went to investigate, their houses were found, empty of valuables and with deliveries stopped. Some of the names were genuine shocks, others had long been under suspicion.

The single attacks ended, now it was all concentrated actions. We would face ten, twenty, thirty of them at a time. Lily had her way and rejoined us in her early months. Alice Longbottom had announced her own pregnancy and was still fighting in the thick of it, so James was resigned to watching and guarding ferociously, and he knew that we did, too.

The first months of the year saw two or three attacks a week. The Order worked openly with the Aurors now. Moody had dissolved the line and begun training his staff in our guerrilla tactics. It was just as well, because the Death Eaters had new tricks, too.

Our first experience of them came at an unexpectedly good moment. We had been called to Godric's Hollow because intelligence said an attack was expected. Bagnold had originally scheduled a skeleton team, but Dumbledore asked for reinforcements, arguing that there were many aged witches and wizards in the area who would need protection.

So there were three dozen of us arrayed on the outskirts of the town when that coldness that I had felt in Horsham descended again.

'Here we go,' Remus muttered.

'It's him,' I warned.

'Ladies and Gentlemen,' Moody yelled. 'They've brought their chief nasty along tonight. Take a close look. He's only human. He can die like the rest of us. We are at war, people, no holds barred, no holding back. Before the morning, I'll be buying everyone here a drink to celebrate our victory!'

He had barely finished the last word when a wall of cold blue flame hit us, sucking the oxygen from the air and engulfing Moody himself. Remus was instantly in action. He swept his wand and shouted a spell that brought a gust of wind and sent the flame back to its source. A scream and flare told us it had hit.

Lily ran to Moody. He was batting out flames on his upper body, but his right leg was a charred mess. 'Leave me!' he shouted. 'Get out there! Get at them! This is our chance!'

We didn't win that night, but we hurt them. They had three Giants with them, all lay dead by morning. Four Death Eaters had been captured, including Rosier, which I counted as a win. Moody had been as good as his word. He sent a message to the innkeep from St Mungo's and we drank on his tab over breakfast, Lily telling James they would have to come back when she could actually drink.

'Apparently,' Remus told me, 'he's secretly pleased since he has plans for a prosthetic leg with cunning features.'

'I'm not surprised at all,' I confessed. 'Where did you learn that wind spell?'

'I've been studying.'

'But how did you know you'd need it?'

He gave me an odd look. 'We could need anything before we're done here. I try to keep my arsenal as broad as possible.'

It made so much sense that I joined him in afternoons over books when we had the time. Not that there was much of that. By the end of February we were run ragged and battered. My foot was constantly aching, Remus had a new and nasty scar down one forearm, Peter had lost both his eyebrows and James had cracked two ribs. Only Lily and Alice had come through the series of battles unharmed, as though being pregnant had made each of them faster and stronger. Perhaps it had, perhaps it had just made them more focussed.

It was the beginning of March before Voldemort appeared again, a Saturday and a full moon. Remus had taken himself off to the country, but insisted I stay behind, we were being called out almost daily now and he didn't want to take me away from the effort.

Just before sunset James appeared in the Floo. 'Essex,' he panted. 'Ackerley, Moody's there, called for reinforcements. East side of the town.'

I grabbed my coat, broom and a belt of Giant Sleep vials. A quick Apparation and I was there, not a hundred yards from where the Order members were thronged, nervous and milling. I ran to the left flank, looking about. Peter greeted me.

'You missed the first wave,' he told me. 'James says it was a test. They came in throwing Stunners, then went back. He says they were counting us.'

'Well, their count's wrong, then,' I said, trying to jolly him up. I wasn't the only one arriving; other familiar figures were moving down the single road leading from the town to the field and wood beyond.

'I don't like it,' he said. 'I don't like it at all.'

'None of us do, Wormtail, none of us do.'

Moody barked a string of orders, and we took up positions, waiting, waiting. A quarter hour passed, a half hour.

'Maybe they're gone?' Peter ventured.

'No such luck,' muttered Marlene from further up the line.

She was right. Scarcely five minutes later, they advanced. The twin pounding of the earth told us they had brought two Giants, hidden in the trees, and the flood of winter chill that ran before their onslaught confirmed their leader was with them.

The first hexes flew, and we were engaged. James was in the centre of the line, he and Lily were surrounded by the Prewetts, Moody, Longbottoms and Shacklebolt. I made a vague move towards them, and Moody shouted to hold the line, so I held. When the first Reducto was flung form the cover of the treeline, I screamed '_Protego_' before the middle syllable was even enunciated.

Near me, Benjy and Marlene were taking full advantage of the lifting of the ban on Unforgiveables. A steady stream of _Crucios_ left them as the enemy strode into view. I envied them the clarity of their anger, even then I hesitated to cross that taboo.

A tall masked figure loomed out of the mist gathering in the twilight and lunged at Peter, with a cry of '_Sectum…_'

I cut off the spell with a Stunner, sending the figure spinning back to the edge of the field. But Peter broke the line with a yelp, running left, away from the perceived threat.

'Wormtail!' I screamed after him, to no avail. Before he could return there was another masked figure behind him, moving fast and focussed. I willed him to change shape, but the stupid fool was too panicked to think.

'Go and bring that little fool back before he gets himself killed,' Marlene barked. 'We'll manage till you get back.'

I left my broom, tossed Benjy the belt and went. Peter had the good sense to run a ragged line so that the hexes thrown behind him missed. But he was running into danger. I Apparated ahead of him and threw an Impedimenta over his shoulder at the chasing figure, who stopped directly.

'Get back!' I yelled at Peter.

He looked about in alarm, then saw a clear path back to Marlene. Head down, he ran, and ran fast.

I was a minute too slow in following him, and closer to the woods than I had imagined. I didn't see the Death Eater stride out towards me, only heard his stern '_Expelliarmus_.'

As my wand flew from my hand, I turned, scared, but with some vague notion that one should face death like a man.

The Death Eater shook his head. 'I'm not killing you, Sirius,' he told me, lifting his mask to reveal Lucius's face.

I actually sighed with relief. 'Malfoy, thank you.'

'Don't thank me yet.' And he took two swift steps towards me and crushed his fist into the side of my face, sending me to the ground, dazed.

It was only a matter of minutes before my head cleared, but in that time the sounds of the battle had grown distant, I looked up, expecting to see Marlene and Benjy a short run from me. They had fallen back, and were near to the edge of the town. Between us were several masked figures, deep in the fight.

I blinked to find my focus, then sat up, ready to Accio my wand. A low growl sounded in my ears. Years with Remus paid off, I moved only my eyes. The wolf was some ten feet away, perhaps enough for me to grasp my wand and stop it, perhaps not. I wished then that I hadn't left my broom behind, but considered the odds were still passable. Then another growl sounded, and another. I was left with one choice.

When I changed, they sat back on their haunches and gave quizzical whines. The pack tossed the question among themselves: what was this? Part of their minds was still human and shouted enemy, but the lupine part – the irresistible smell world that overwhelmed the _Homo_ brain with all things _Canis_ – it called dog, and cousin, and harmless.

For a series of pounding heartbeats, I thought they might back down. The battle was loud near us, and there were more werewolves running past to join it. Then a medium-sized wolf, not a leader, but with enough scrap and scar to show ambition, got to his feet and growled deep in his throat, hackles up, ears and lips drawn back.

I tensed to run. If Peter, James or Lily saw me there was still a chance they would be able to shield me back to the line. It was better than the alternative at any rate.

And then a scent so familiar filled my world, the taste that I woke and slept to, and I relaxed.

He barrelled into me, a ball of snarling fury. Though his teeth didn't break my skin, the sheer weight and speed of him sent me flying head over tail, whimpering as I fell. He was on top of me before I could roll back to my feet, and put his mouth around my throat; again, teeth just above the skin. I whimpered submission, and wagged my tail feebly in appeasement.

He moved his maw back and snorted down long nose and fangs above my face. One paw held my ribs down, my paws came up in begging supplication. He raised his muzzle and howled, and the rest of the pack watched him closely.

Stepping from my chest he allowed me to roll over, then positioned himself behind me, and it suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea if biting was the only way of transmitting his curse. But what I had thought was positioning for a rut was not; he dropped himself on top of me, flooding my scent with his. _Mine_, it said.

And he was larger than any of them.

They slunk away, their lopes radiating boredom rather than the fear that underlay their scents. Only when they had all moved off to join the battle did he shift. He stepped away from me, then looked back over his shoulder, the command to follow clear.

I whined, and he gave me a moment to search the grass nearby. With my wand in my mouth, I followed him, into the woods, away from the pack, away from our friends.

The Potters and the Longbottoms were heroes that night. With Moody directing, the four of them gathered our forces into a defensible square, and they proceeded to mete out rack, violence and bloody retribution for every life of ours that had been lost.

Lily told me that Bellatrix called the retreat, and I kicked myself for missing it. But she and James were simply grateful that I was alive. Marlene had seen me fall, though Benjy had seen the big black dog leave with one of the werewolves, so they had hoped.

Remus talked very little that next morning, aside from to reassure Peter it wasn't his fault. A half-dozen wolf-corpses had littered the field at dawn, some of them people he knew, who in their natural form would have fled the scene, but who in the hunt had lost themselves and been led to a fight that wasn't theirs.

Much later in the day he shook his head at me. 'You were stupid,' he said. 'What if I'd bitten you?'

'Then it would be something else we shared,' I shrugged, caring only that we were both there and alive.

His look was as cold as the mist that had crept through the night. 'Never say that again.'

........................................


	4. Chapter 4

Lily finally agreed to go out with James, just the once. It was sixth year, and she was about to turn down yet another of his invitations to Hogsmeade when she suddenly said yes. On the proviso he find a date for her friend, Mary.

Remus and I took one look at his face and fled the common room. When he and Peter came back upstairs some time later, James's eyes were dancing, and even Peter looked cheery.

'We have dates,' James announced. 'I recognise that you two are immune to the wiles of women, but Peter and I will be walking beside goddesses this Saturday.'

'Evans said yes, and she has a friend!' Peter summed up far more succinctly.

'Good for you, Wormtail,' Remus encouraged. 'Show Mr Smooth here what a real date's like, yours will probably still be talking to you at the end of the day.'

Peter grinned, then scuttled over and asked Remus for tips.

Saturday saw James and Peter dressed to kill, with Remus and me in our usual combination of school and Muggle attire – mostly worn to annoy McGonners, but also because we knew we looked good in tight trousers.

We met up with Lily and Mary in the common room. Lily was wearing a flowered smock that effectively hid her figure, but Mary had popped on a spot of lipstick. Peter was awed. I was about to tease him, but Remus stopped me.

'Look at them,' he said, quietly. 'They're happy.'

And they were. James was quiet and attentive, Peter told his best stories, the girls laughed all the way to the village. It was a lovely day. Remus and I slipped away halfway through the afternoon, but we caught up the others on the way back to the castle. We weren't the only ones.

'Pettigrew? Macdonald is dating Pettigrew?' Mulciber's voice could be heard a hundred yards away. '_Why_?'

'She's probably doing it for a bet,' drawled one of the other Slytherin seventh years.

'One she lost,' Mulciber brayed.

'Ignore them,' Mary muttered through a tight jaw. 'Let's just keep going.'

Mulciber blew a kiss. 'Come on Macdonald, you were better off with me than with that little runt.'

Mary shuddered.

'What is it?' Remus asked, noticing.

'I had a run-in with him at the beginning of last year,' she said, quietly.

'He Imperiused her,' Lily fumed.

The four us of stopped in our tracks, shocked.

Mary was flustered. 'That's what Lily thinks, maybe it was just hypnotism, or a potion, but he had me following him about and … doing things …'

She caught the expression of horror in James's eyes, and blushed deeply. 'Not as bad as it could have been, more taking my blouse off while he watched.'

'That's bad enough,' Lily muttered. 'If I hadn't come by …'

Mary smiled at her. 'But you did. That's what matters, isn't it?'

'Evans is a good one to have in your corner,' James agreed.

'Are you sure you don't want me to hex him?' I offered. 'It'd be no trouble at all.'

'You should report him,' James advised. 'That's an Unforgivable. Even at school, they're not allowed.'

'That's what I said,' Lily agreed.

'Quite right,' said James, without any thought for ingratiating himself, which, of course, meant that he did.

'I'll show him!' Peter vowed.

'Please,' Mary said. 'Just leave it.'

But he had already stormed over the small distance towards the two tormentors. They were both taller and older than him, but he more than made up for any disadvantage with righteous indignation.

'You think you're so tough, but you're just bullies,' he told them.

'This from one of Black's bumboys? That's rich,' Mulciber sneered.

'You won't see us picking on anyone who didn't start it, and never a girl.'

'Only because none of you are the least bit interested in girls.'

Peter drew himself up to his full five-foot-five. 'Well, that's why I have a date and you don't, I suppose?'

'Shame your date's gone off with Potter.'

It was true, Mary and Lily were hurrying up towards the school gates with James. She'd missed all of Peter's bravery.

Mulciber and his friend laughed loudly. 'You should have been in Slytherin, Pettigrew. We'd never steal your girl,' the seventh-year told him.

'We'd _get_ you a girl, which is more than your face will ever manage,' Mulciber added cruelly.

'Ignore him,' Remus advised, steering Peter after the others. 'You did very well.'

'Fat lot of good it, no Mary to be impressed.'

'I was impressed,' Remus assured him.

'No offence, Moony, but I really don't want to snog you.'

'None taken, but I will report your gallantry to the lady in question, with suitable embellishments.'

'Cheers, you're a mate.'

'And don't listen to him about your face,' I added. 'Mary wears glasses in class, I'd bet she only sees a blur.'

Finely honed Quidditch skills saw me evade Remus's punch to the arm, but I did feel a little bad for saying it. It was hardly Peter's fault the rest of us were so very young and beautiful.

........................................

The debriefing after Ackerley went on for days. James was convinced it had been a turning point, Moody was not so certain.

'The whole thing could have been feeling us out, we used most of our best tactics, they've seen our arsenal of new spellwork and potions. I agree that most of them were there that night, but not all. And – if you were Him – why would you sacrifice some of your best witches and wizards then retreat? You'd pull them out sooner, or you'd fight through to the end.'

None of us had more field experience than him, not even Dumbledore, and the mood of victory quickly turned to one of apprehension. They didn't make us wait long. At four o'clock in the afternoon on the twelfth, Minister Millicent Bagnold's voice interrupted the wireless broadcast. Aurors had spotted a massive force assembling near Tinworth. Wizarding Britain was under attack. Giants and Imperiused Muggles were among the army. All Aurors were called in for duty, and any witches and wizards in or near Cornwall were advised to pack their belongings and prepare to evacuate.

'Gather together in small numbers in places you can defend. Reinforce your wards. The Muggle-born are encouraged to consider heading abroad for the duration; France, Germany, Italy and Spain have all agreed to suspend travel document requirements for the duration. Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Holland and Finland have offered refuge in Auror-protected sites for those who lack the funds to travel of their own accord. The British Wizarding Government thanks our allies for their support in our time of need.

'The Ministry calls on all to be prepared and to work for each other's safety during this time of uncertainty. We have multiple lines of defence in place, but we face an enemy more ruthless, more vile, than any to threaten these shores in the history of our island. If each of us keeps our head, and gives aid to those who need it, we will survive this crisis strong and sure, though it may take time to secure the victory.

'But I say this with certainty: we will not fall. No matter what the outcome of this battle, no matter what happens to any individual, myself included, that which makes Wizarding Britain mighty and great will remain, and we will triumph at the last.'

'So, we're probably doomed,' I muttered to Remus as I switched the wireless off.

'Good speech, though,' he replied.

'Yes, quite. Tinworth?'

'Tinworth.'

Moody had been right. They had been feeling us out, and now they had our measure. We assembled a few miles from their forces, and looked for a patch of ground that would give us a good chance. There were precious few, they had chosen their location well. If we moved to high ground, we would be too near the cliffs, if we looked for a choke point, too close to the road to Hellesveor and St Ives. It was the open land outside Tinworth or the village itself, but there were still families unevacuated there. We took to the fields, though we stayed close to the town, ready to run for its cover.

'Watch your feet!' Edgar shouted to all of us. 'Before you take a position, check that you have enough defensible ground around you. Look out for gravel and trip hazards. Stay close, we'll fall back to the town when it's empty. Make use of the hedges, the walls and the trees. We have perhaps twenty minutes, use them to make cover.'

At fifteen minutes, Moody took control. 'Those with brooms, make sure you're loaded with Giant Sleep. In the air as soon as you can. Aurors take the front line. Everyone else behind. Oblivators to the rear, we'll end up with Muggle casualties the way this looks to be going. Our intelligence says we outnumber them two-to-one, but that means nothing with this lot.'

Lily and James arrived just as he started outlining his plan. Evans shrugged a brief apology. 'The whole morning in morning sickness is just a lie,' she said.

'You're with Peter, Alice and Frank, yes?' James checked.

'Yes,' she assured him. 'And you try not to fall off your broom.'

'It's my one skill,' he replied with a kiss.

I held Remus's hand tightly, at least we were usually beside each other in a battle.

'Movement!' came a cry.

Remus, James and I were poised to kick off from the ground when Moody's voice cut through the air. 'Stay on the ground. Their Giants are in reserve, they've sent in Muggles.'

And it was true. As the enemy strode into view they were not masked and robed figures, but dressed in Muggle clothing, carrying clubs, sticks, knives. And most of them were children.

James swore bitterly beside me.

'He's emptied one of the schools,' Remus realised.

'They're in there!' James said, shocked. He was right, amid the figures dressed in maroon and blue uniforms and the adults in their jeans and anoraks, the occasional figure in robes and a mask was visible.

'Moody!' James shouted to relay his discover, but Moody had already seen.

'Aim carefully!' he ordered.

'No,' said Remus beside me.

I turned sharply to him, he was staring out and shaking his head.

'Stun them all. They have _weapons_.'

And of course he was right.

With shouts of _Stupefy_ we knocked down the first row of children. James shouted at us to stop. 'They'll hurt themselves falling down!'

'Better than being dead,' I replied.

It took only a moment for the others to realise our strategy and follow it. The Death Eaters broke from the ranks and fled, and soon the field was littered with the unconscious bodies of several hundred Muggles.

Aurors ran out and cleared them, Apparating two at a time back into the town. I could see why Moody ordered it, because the battle would have been fought on top of them, but it put fifty of our side at risk and out of the defence for ten minutes. Dumbledore would never have forgiven us if we'd left them, though. His man, Rubeus Hagrid, was there, too. He collected six Muggles at a time, physically lugging them back behind the town's cover.

They sent the giants in before the job was finished.

'In the air! Hold them back!' Moody shouted, and some of us were already up. We flew in coordinated sets, two to distract, one to throw the potion in their faces. For all that Giant Sleep was an uncannily good potion, it needed a direct hit. There were more giants than I had ever seen before, it looked like dozens, though it could have been only twenty or so.

One by one they dropped, our people ran out from the line to make sure they fell back, away from the Aurors and Hagrid collecting the Muggles. Though once the field was clear, we let them fall wherever, they would give us some degree of cover at least. Fabian's broom was sent careening by the smack of a club, but he landed safely. I was amazed to see that we had nearly finished the job without a single casualty on our side, though I knew that these were just diversionary tactics, designed to tire and occupy us.

And then I heard Benjy Fenwick scream. He was above me and to the right, and had just delivered a successful attack on the last giant. It was falling, senseless, to the ground, but he was spinning wildly away, clutching his side, even though I couldn't see how he'd been hit.

Remus was there beside him, grabbing him from the falling broom and hauling him onto his. I flew up beside to help steady them both.

'Is he all right?' Remus asked, but I couldn't see.

Then Moody's amplified voice rang out over everything. 'Fall back! Fall back!'

We came into land ahead of the others running back to the town wall. It marked our point of assembly, more open than the field, but with reinforcements streaming down the streets.

'What is it? Why are we running?' A half-dozen voices questioned Moody.

'There's something in the air, and it's not brooms,' he shouted to everyone. 'Stay alert! Constant vigilance!'

And that was the moment that I grew afraid, because Moody was panicked. He was afraid. As I looked from face to face I saw it catching, though James frowned against it and Remus lifted his nose to the air, tasting the wind for a change.

And then the cold came again and we all felt the change he could sense. I looked out, expecting to see _Him_ striding across the field, parting the mists, as he had the last time, but there was no sign.

I glanced at Remus. He had stopped sniffing with his face tilted up, and it remained there, frozen, horrified. I followed his eyes and saw what he did: a long streaming figure flying without a broom, robes raven, face pale and bleak and beautiful, shining down on us like an agent of destruction.

I saw, in that moment, how Bella and the others had mistaken their reaction to him for love; amid the horror there was awe. He was so close now that the breath chilled in my lungs. Even Remus and James – always the first into the fray – moved slowly to raise their wands, mouth their spells.

I looked to Remus, wanting to fix his face in my mind at the end, which was how I came to see that Moody had fooled us all. Dumbledore was there, striding through the town gate, standing tall, raising his wand and shouting a ringing, '_Incendio_!'

A powerful umbrella of flame rose above us, throwing back the cold and sending Voldemort burning and screaming into the distance.

Chaos followed, as half of his force broke forwards seeking revenge, but it was a mob, they fought with emotion but without order. The others fled in fear, or looked for their leader. Bella's screams of anguish rang out even over the sounds of battle

It took hours, not until after midnight could we really say that we had won. And then, we realised. We had really won. This had been their do-or-die moment, and many of them had died. Others were on their way to Azkaban. We had lost four all-up, it was a victory of Shakespearean proportion.

James and Lily found us sitting against the wall, Remus almost asleep on my shoulder.

'You two reprobates still alive?' Lily asked, hugging me gently.

'Couldn't leave your sprog without moral guidance,' I told her.

She leaned on my other shoulder, and James leant against her.

'How are the others?' I asked.

'Peter sprained his ankle,' Lily recounted. 'Frank and Alice are fine, except that she's in trouble for ending up on the front line. Or at least, she would be if she hadn't saved his life by doing so. I suspect it's just an excuse for make-up sex.'

'Who has the energy?' Remus groaned from my lapel.

Lily laughed, and reached out to pat his hand.

'Is it really over?' James wondered, looking out at the bodies that littered the ground before us.

I looked with him. 'I think it is,' I told him.

The Minister appeared then. She had brought fresh Healers, and food and drink, and more Obliviators to help with the Imperiused Muggles. We joined the crowd around her and ate and drank mechanically, too tired to even enjoy the repast. I was onto my second venison pie when Remus stormed away from my side. I took it with me as I chased after him.

'Stop it!' he yelled at Emmeline Vance, who was standing over a giant.

'Sorry, Lupin, Ministerial orders.'

'The war is done now, he's defeated. We can repatriate them to wherever they came from.'

Vance shook her head. 'Too risky. They were happy to rise up against us once, what if they choose to again?'

And with that, she killed the giant.

Remus looked away, sickened. I took his hand, and Apparated us home.

He glared at me. 'I'm going back. I'm going to stop them.'

'You can't, Remus,' I told him. 'It's policy. By the time you change it, it'll be too late anyway.'

He took a deep breath. 'Well, then you tell me where we're better than them. Because right now I can't see it.'

How do you reply to that? I couldn't. I made him sandwiches instead. Because at least there was nothing shameful about sandwiches.

.........................................

In my mind, at school, most of us stood on clear sides of the Voldemort question. But in reality most of our fellow students were just studying for their NEWTs and wondering if they'd ever have sex. Remus and I were entirely fortunate that the Hogwarts founders had only ever worried about heterosexual encounters when they set up the Castle's charms.

I joked with him once, about how we'd benefitted from their naiveté. He shook his head and told me I was looking at it the wrong way.

'Did you never hear the stories about why Queen Victoria made no bans on lesbians? She wanted to keep her own Ladies of the Bedchamber happy. I think we're looking at a similar situation. To my mind, Salazar and Godric had quite the thing going and didn't see why like-minded students should be thwarted.'

'That,' I said, 'is disgusting. And besmirches the fine name of our beloved Gryffindor.'

'But you're thinking about it now, aren't you?'

'Stop it! Godric would no sooner shag Slytherin than I'd shag Snivellus.'

Remus clutched his hand across his eyes. 'I am bleaching my brain to remove that mental image, I'll have you know.'

'You're the one who's always saying I should be nicer to him.'

'Not _that_ nice!'

'And he's very lonely since Evans took up with Prongs.'

'You can stop now, I promise to never speak of the Founders' sex lives again.'

'See that you don't.'

Of course, it meant that the next time we saw Snivellus, both of us burst out giggling.

He looked down his considerable nose as much as he could for someone who was our height. 'I expect this from Black, but you usually have more dignity, Lupin.'

'You're not going to believe this, but it's not you,' Remus offered by way of explanation.

'Yes, well, you were right about me not believing.' Snivellus swanned off down the corridor in an almighty huff, which of course had us sliding down the wall with tears of laughter pouring down our faces.

We only stopped at a particularly Scottish cough of disapproval. McGonners was looking down at us, her lips pursed.

'Was that necessary?' she asked.

'We really weren't giving him grief this time, Professor,' Remus protested.

'As opposed to the dozens of other times.'

'He started it,' I muttered.

'Oh, I doubt that, Mr Black. I may take issue with much about Mr Snape, but he is not one to start trouble.'

'Just finish it' I muttered.

She looked down at me with disappointment. 'Are you both seventeen yet? Near enough at any rate. Surely neither of you is stupid enough to believe that this is still a game? Mr Snape is a talented, competent wizard. Do you realise what an asset he would have been if you foolish boys had thought to not torment him mercilessly since first year?'

'He's just a Slytherin,' I grumbled.

'They're _all_ just Slytherins,' she bit out. 'And the odd Ravenclaw and even the occasional Hufflepuff, and then they leave here and they decide that the world would be better if we had power and do whatever will gain them that power. Surely it would be better if we produced students who believed that the world would be improved if we had compassion and tolerance?'

I assumed that she'd been into her whisky stash, but Remus looked at her seriously. 'But how would any of us learn that?' he asked. 'Everything's a competition here. And outside of here, everything is at war.'

'Yes, Mr Lupin, my generation has failed yours fairly comprehensively.'

He smiled at her, and she melted a little. 'It's not true. I'd be happy to grow up to be something like you.'

She shook her head, with her lips pursed to keep herself from smiling. 'No house points for outrageous flattery, Mr Lupin. But I thank you, nonetheless.'

We watched her walk away, and I turned to Remus to make a joke, but was stopped by the look on his face.

'She's right. So much of this is about stupid rivalries that should have been stopped before we were old enough for school. Instead we let them fester and then re-badged them as politics.'

I disagreed. 'You can say that because your parents were fair and reasonable people. But if you'd grown up in my house, you'd know how sincerely some of us believe that we should be in charge and Muggles should be there to do our bidding.'

'Some of you, I'll grant. But that's not everyone. You and I both know people who follow You-Know-Who because their friends do.'

'No,' I shook my head. 'Reggie would probably have gone that way regardless. Mother always had him in her hand.'

'What about Snape? He's half-Muggle, he has every reason to be on our side, not theirs.'

I snorted. 'He's an oily lackey who'll follow anyone who tosses him a biscuit.'

'And your brother follows him. Interesting.'

I looked away at that. I wanted to argue, but he was right.

'I think,' I began tentatively, with my head down, 'I think that I should have made more of an effort with Reggie. Because aside from having the most idiotic political beliefs known to Wizarding kind, he's all right. I think I let myself get distracted, and by the time I paid attention, it was too late.'

He brushed my hair back from my eyes, and looked into them, searchingly. 'But you'd forgive him, wouldn't you? If Regulus came back and said he'd been wrong, you'd take him back, wouldn't you?'

'In an instant,' I'd promised. And it took me years to work out that my clever Moony hadn't meant Regulus at all.

..............................................

We honestly thought it was over after Tinworth. The attacks stopped, the Ministry had no sudden disappearances to report, and there was a distinct lack of unexplained dead.

'Bagnold, Aurors, Dumbledore and Plucky Civilians Defeat Death Eaters!' screamed _The Daily Prophet_, with twelve pages dissecting the battle and wondering whether You-Know-Who was dead or simply in hiding.

I was certain he was still alive; Bella's cries had died down at some point during the battle and she had disappeared. She would have turned on us in all her mad fury had she found a corpse.

But as the days stretched into months, we relaxed. Remus took to smiling again. Alice had her boy, Neville, and Lily and James had a son. They called him Harry.

'Works for everyone, from princes to Knight Bus drivers,' James told us proudly.

'Princes?' Peter asked.

'We few, we happy few! Though let's hope he never finds himself at an Agincourt.'

Lily shushed him. 'None of that, it's over. He's going to be a happy baby, and have a lovely life.'

She had her wish, he was the happiest baby there ever was. James and I spoiled him rotten, and so did Remus, even as he took me to task. I bought the sidecar for the bike in preparation for taking him on trips, which put Lily into a right strop, until she came for a ride, at which point she admitted that it might be all right, when he was considerably larger.

Dumbledore came to visit her and Alice, checking they were well, clucking with amusement at the timing of the babies. 'Within hours. I suppose we know what you were all doing to relax during the war.'

And I had to try very hard to forget that he'd said that.

The Ministry was grateful to us, at least, most of us. James and I fended off approaches from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Peter accepted one with Sports. Only Remus was told that his particular skills 'did not fit the profile of the Ministry at this time'.

'Bugger that,' he decided, and began a campaign for the rights of other Magical Creatures. I took some delight in knowing Black money was funding it.

In the weeks before Christmas we were all nervous. People would only gather in small groups, convinced that the holiday would see a resumption of attacks. Nothing. Silent nights.

Remus wouldn't tell me what he was getting me for Christmas, while I did my usual trick of pointing out everything I thought he might like and trying to guess what he liked the most.

'Cufflinks,' I suggested.

'No need.'

'New broom!'

'Old one's fine.'

'Robe clasp.'

'You bought me one the year before last. It's my favourite, I wear it all the time.'

'But there's a stone missing.'

He ruffled my hair. 'Just because something's broken doesn't mean I stop loving it.'

'You're a beautiful person, Remus.'

He didn't dignify that with a reply, just sat on me and tickled me until I couldn't breathe, as was right and proper.

We were at James and Lily's beck and call. Peter was around there most days, little Harry seemed to hold his projectile vomiting moments until he was being held by Uncle Wormtail. I could always make the baby laugh, Remus could always calm him to sleep. Lily joked that every visit should start with me putting Harry in a good mood and end with Moony putting him to bed.

It was such a remarkable thing, that these two people, who we loved, had made another person. And if James and Lily were both a little distant now, we understood why. I asked Remus if we should buy a cat, he ignored me.

The Order met once a month now, exchanged news, caught up on events, laughed as the ever-growing collection of babies pulled faces at each other. The older Weasley boys were left in charge of the little ones, which nearly resulted in disaster on several occasions. The Prewetts were enthusiastic, but irresponsible uncles. Remus and I prided ourselves on the fact we were doing so much better with Harry. Though James occasionally let the team down, Lily nearly strangled him when she found him racing Harry against little Neville and the youngest Weasley.

By the time the July meeting rolled around, Marlene voiced what we had all been thinking.

'Should we wind things up?'

'Dissolve the Order?' Fabian snorted. 'Sacrilege! Who will defend the weak, guard the Muggles?'

'Provide us with free lunches and somewhere to catch up with all our friends on Sundays?' Gideon finished for him.

'We can still meet up, just without the need for endless discussions on evil,' Dorcas told them, laughing.

'Speak for yourselves,' muttered Moody. 'I can't get free of you lot fast enough.'

'You love us really,' Fabian told him, cuddling close until Moody swatted him.

Somebody thought it would be a good idea to commemorate the moment with a photograph. You should have seen it, we were all so happy, so certain that this was our promised tomorrow.

Three days later Benjy Fenwick's body was found.

That day had started beautifully, I rolled out of bed around eleven when Remus woke me, returning from yet another of his meetings. We were meeting up with Lily to take her shopping while James minded Harry. She described this as bonding, but in fact I suspect we were there more for lugging.

At lunch she Flooed to say that Dumbledore had sent word that he was coming, something urgent, she should stay home. Remus and I headed out regardless, I think he had plans for ice-cream.

We were on Diagon Alley when the peace broke. And as I tell you what happened, you'll think it took an age, but in fact it was all over in an instant. Remus had stopped to look at new books, and I was looking at him. Something clattered behind us, and after years of the Order, we both automatically moved to the cover at the side of the building.

The clatter was nothing more than a child dropping a toy, but in the glass of Fortescue's opposite, I could see reflected Travers and Rosier, carrying sacks that seemed to be dripping something dark. I moved to apprehend them, at the same time as I saw Snape, looking sick and broken, looking straight at us and mouthing 'Go.'

Before my wand could clear my pocket, Remus had Apparated us home.

'We have to go back!'

He shook his head. 'It's not safe.'

'It's not safe for the people back there!'

'Of course it is. They want to seduce or frighten them, not kill. Not one of their attacks was on a town that wasn't riddled with anti-Voldemort Ministry or Order members.'

'There's only three of them, we can capture them all!'

'We only _saw_ three.'

'Why the _hell_ was Snivellus warning you?'

He pushed his hair back from eyes that were suddenly exhausted. 'I thought he was warning you. For Reggie's sake. Come on, we need to let Dumbledore and Moody know.'

We found Moody first, by the time we reached Dumbledore, he already knew. Benjy's head, right arm and part of his left leg had been dumped in the middle of the street, the Dark Mark set above. Shops had shut and everyone who could had fled before the Aurors even arrived. According to Kingsley, Benjy had been dead for at least a day.

We gave our report three times: to Moody, then Dumbledore – who told us he wasn't surprised, and that Mr Snape had recently changed his views on the issue of You-Know-Who. The third time was to James and Lily, at their new house, hidden in the quiet of Godric's Hollow.

'He was meant to bring me here for a beer,' Lily groused. 'Not to hide out.'

'You could sneak out under James's cloak,' Remus suggested. 'I'm sure the barkeep has had stranger things than invisible requests for alcohol in that pub.'

James pulled a face. 'Can't, Dumbledore borrowed it.'

'The liberty! He can just unborrow it, can't have you cooped up in here all the time!'

'My thoughts exactly,' James agreed. 'Still, with you two visiting, it's not so bad. Lils has a theory regarding this Snivellus business, you know.'

'_Severus_,' Lily corrected firmly. 'I think he's the one who let Dumbledore know that we were at risk, and that Voldemort was still alive. He may be an idiot, but he was a decent boy when I knew him, and we were good friends. I'd probably do the same if our places were reversed.'

'Which they never would be,' James said quickly.

'Ahhhh-guh!' Harry agreed from his position on Remus's shoulder.

'Explains why he warned us,' Remus mused. 'Would look bad to let two of your best friends die just after he's done something decent for you.'

'Yeah …' I replied. Then looked back to James's bored face. 'So, special target? You are _such_ an overachiever.'

'Not even Voldemort can resist my charms,' he agreed.

'Don't say his name!' Lily protested.

'It's just a name,' James said, surprised.

'It's a name I don't want Harry learning,' she said, and we all understood.

James and Lily guessed they would be in hiding for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks. It was nearly four months in the end, and we were glad they were out of it.

The McKinnons were the next to go. They didn't even have a chance to call for help. Marlene, her husband, Paul, their three children and his mother – all cold and still and frozen in their despair. Frank found them. He stopped in when they didn't answer their Floo. After the Aurors arrived, he went home and packed Alice and Neville up and moved them to his mother's, where the wards were strong and the defences vicious.

It was straight back to the worst days of the war, except that this time we were being targetted more intently than we had ever been before.

When we crawled into bed just before dawn after a night patrolling – when we had meant to be at Harry's first birthday – Remus pressed himself against me chastely, seeking warmth despite the summer air.

'I think they're looking for something,' he told me.

'Someone,' I guessed.

He pressed his face into my collarbone. 'I'll keep you from them,' he vowed.

....................................


	5. Chapter 5

I only once asked Remus what it was like. We were nearly done with school, and the afternoons had turned from frantic revision to idleness. We told each other things, things that couples shared, because this _thing_ between us had been more than two schoolboys finding release and we had slowly admitted it.

So he heard the stories of my mother, and Sirius Who Could Have Been Such A Good Boy But Chose To Disappoint. And I confessed to him that I actually did think they were right on one thing and that Muggles were stupid and dangerous with their stupidity, but even allowing for that, I thought they ought to be protected from our kind. And he told me about the kindness of his parents and the sadness of having only them, and then not them.

'But you found us before they went,' I reminded him. And he agreed that had made the difference.

And after we had talked about everything else, when the only things left to learn were incidental or embarrassing, I could no longer stop myself from asking.

He shook his head. 'I can't tell you.'

'Of course you can. If you can tell anyone, you can tell me. I'm a dog in my other life, we're related.'

He laughed, but did not allow that I might be right. 'You might understand about the world of scent and the primacy of what is happening at the very instant of now, but dogs are half-human. I could never explain the pack to you.'

'Try.'

'You won't like it. _I_ don't.'

'It doesn't matter. It's part of you, but it's not all of you. You don't like my slovenliness.'

'Hardly the same degree of flaw.'

'No, my mess irritates you daily.'

'Idiot.' He sighed, and I knew I had won.

'It's a yearning,' he said, slowly. 'Even though I've spent almost every full moon alone or with you three, since I was turned, at each one I crave the company of those like me. To join in their howls and be a part of the intimacy of shared language, shared intent. To run with them, become something more by giving my individuality to the whole. Every time that I have met another werewolf, some small part of me cries to stay with them. Even if I know they're killers rather than victims. Even if it's Greyback.'

'Merlin,' I breathed.

'I told you you wouldn't like it.'

'That's horrible.'

'I know.' He gave me a weak smile. 'I manage to resist. You, Prongs and Wormtail are sufficiently distracting.'

'Me most of all, I should hope.'

'Absolutely. You most of all.'

I held onto him, and told him, 'Good, because I wouldn't let you go.'

'Dearest Sirius,' he whispered, smiling as he kissed me. 'I'm not entirely certain you could stop me.'

...........................................

Lily never believed it was him. 'How can you even suspect him?' she railed at me. 'I thought you loved him?'

'I do!' I insisted. 'It's not his fault!'

Benjy and the McKinnons had been only the start. Dorcas Meadowes was next, AK-ed in her conservatory not five hours after an Order meeting had broken up in her kitchen. Moody said it was Voldemort, though how he knew he wouldn't say. With her had gone the Giant Sleep potion – neither she nor Marlene had never found the time to teach it to anyone else during the hard fighting days, nor thought they'd need to afterwards.

A week after that, the disaster that had long followed Edgar Bones and his family caught them. He and his wife held the Death Eaters at bay while the children escaped out the back, we found their little bodies half a mile from the house, still holding hands

With every death, suspicion grew among those of us who were left. The idea of a traitor was no longer Moody and Dumbledore's innate paranoia, it was obvious fact. I knew that some of them suspected me, which was logical, my family connections were reason enough. Some looked at James, and muttered that the entire desperate need to hide scenario was a ruse to keep him safe while the rest of us were hunted down one by one.

Frank Longbottom called everyone on it at the first Order meeting held at the Prewetts'. 'If we turn on each other, who'll be left? We need to trust those closest to us! We have enough enemies!'

It was enough to propel him to the top of most peoples' lists for that week.

But Lily refused to believe me when I told her it was Remus. 'I know him, he's good, gentle, kind!'

'He is,' James assured her. 'But he's a werewolf. They might have a hold over him against his will.'

'If that was true, Remus would let them kill him, not the rest of us. I'd stake my life on that.'

James couldn't ask the obvious question, so I did. 'And Harry's?'

She hesitated for a moment, before nodding. 'Yes. And yours, and James's.'

James kissed her. 'You're right, of course.'

'I hope so,' was the best I could offer.

I watched him like a hawk through September. We spent most of the month at home or at the Prewetts', waiting, waiting for the next attack, every night relieved and nervous that it hadn't come. I had forgotten the deep-bone horror of guerrilla tactics, and began to yearn ridiculously for the days of open warfare, when at least we could all see the enemy.

We slept from dawn to lunch, and saw only people from the Order, exchanging news, receiving patrol areas, muttering with suspicions and sightings. James and Lily were on the end of firecalls and letters. Harry was climbing like a monkey, and could say broom now, too.

Mostly, we saw each other. Flying over the homes of those we thought would be targetted next, checking wards, grumbling at each other when we forgot basic things like milk and bog roll. But most of the time we spent fucking. Long hours like never before with each of us enveloped in the other. Remus told me it was a response to stress, and that when the war was over, he was going to find us jobs doing something incredibly dangerous.

And every time, every panting breath, I thought, _this is enough, this will keep you with me. This will keep you from them._

Full moon was in the early hours of the 14th, we Apparated out of London to the Cornish moors, where one could run about and howl at the moon without comment, and, for the most part, without risk to domestic animals.

As always, I changed before he did. I watched him this time, that shift between forms that always felt like a sneeze to me, looked like a scream for him. I was ready to follow him, wherever he went. Ready to protect him, whatever he did. I would keep him safe, keep him whole.

He shook out his hair, with that shudder of vigour that only canines can perfect, and looked to me, tongue lolling. He came and stood in front of me, holding his head quizically, as though he could smell the fact that I had betrayed him in my mind.

Canines have no real sense of time, only then and now, and the now is so enormous that sometimes the then is forgotten. So we might have stood like that for a minute, or for an hour. It ended with me whimpering gently at him, until he came to me and licked my muzzle and I licked his.

We danced across the moors freely, snapping at moths, picking up sticks and dropping them at each other's paws. It was as though we were young and carefree and utterly happy again. When the moon set, we shifted back, and we went home and fell into bed and I told him that I loved him.

He laughed and teased me, and I flipped him underneath me and told him that I wasn't joking, and his laugh caught in his throat and he gripped me tightly against his chest.

'Never go,' he whispered.

'I won't,' I promised. 'You stay, too.'

'I will.'

And many hours later, I whispered to him when I wasn't sure he could hear me. 'No mattter what, I'd always forgive you.'

The peace lasted nearly another month. We were eating dinner when the Floo roared into life one night and Moody shouted, 'Prewetts', now!' at us.

We arrived in time to help Moody take down the two wizards he was battling, but not in time to save Fabian or Gideon. With the Death Eaters tied firmly and bleeding freely we looked around at the devastation of the Prewett lads' home. Another three Death Eaters lay dead or unconscious. In the middle of them were the Prewetts, pale and still and wrong. Remus rushed outside and threw up. I stared at the twins. I'd never seen them quiet before. Their faces wore frowns, but not despair. I realised that they had died at the same time, and felt oddly comforted.

'They fought like heroes,' Moody told me. He repeated it to every Order member who arrived, softly and gently to Arthur Weasley, and to Molly, who held onto his arm and did not cry and who alternated between looking as though she wished she were dead and looking as though she wished to kill.

Remus and I slipped away in the middle of it all and went to Godric's Hollow. Lily opened the door, and had obviously been crying.

'You know,' Remus acknowledged.

'Their poor family!' Lily cried, hugging us both.

Harry was still awake upstairs, so she took Remus up to see him. It's funny, they say that animals and children have an instinct for the uncanny, but I don't think that can be true, or, if it is, then it is not an instinct for fear. I never met a dog or cat that didn't like Remus, and as for children, Harry and Dora both would have happily stolen him.

James watched them go upstairs, my Remus and his Lily. He looked at me, hard. 'You're wrong,' he told me.

I shrugged. I wanted to be wrong.

'Dumbledore called just before you arrived,' he said. 'He wants us to put a Fidelius charm on the house. Says that things have grown worse, Voldemort has an idea of where we're staying.'

'Someone is feeding him information!' I hissed.

'Not Moony!' he replied, low and fast.

I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to clear my mind of all the things that stopped me from seeing clearly. 'I don't know anymore …'

'Padfoot,' James pulled my hands away. 'It's not him. And it's not you. And it's not me, and it's not Lily. We're the same as we always were. We will get through these times.'

I stood up and pulled him to me and hugged him in a way that I hadn't since we were fourteen and the whole hugging thing grew embarrassing.

'If anything happened to any of you …'

'It won't. We'll all be fine. Peter, too.'

I laughed. 'Peter's always fine. He keeps his head so far below the firing line that the centipedes are scared.'

James chuckled. 'Harsh, but not inaccurate. Listen, serious for a moment, I need a favour. I need a Secret Keeper.'

'Yes,' I told him. 'Of course.' And then my brain feverishly caught up with my mouth, and I corrected myself. 'No, I'm a bad choice …'

'Don't be an idiot, you're the best choice I have. There's no one but Lily that I trust more, and even then she's only equal. I've already told her and Dumbledore you'll say yes.'

'I'm a Black, I've been a target before and I will be again. They don't hesitate to Imperius people.'

James looked at me sideways. 'You're afraid of Remus,' he accused.

'For,' I corrected him. 'I'm afraid _for_ Remus. If he learned it from me, and was responsible for your deaths, what would it do to his soul?'

'Metaphysics? You?'

'Shut up, you know what I mean.'

He punched me in the shoulder, which was James for I understand, and I love you, and I love him, too. 'Fine. I'll ask Moody. I'd like to meet the Death Eater who could Imperius him.'

I laughed, but I had a better idea. 'Ask Wormtail. No one would ever suspect him of knowing anything important.'

Looking back, what amazes me is that someone as stupid as me could live long enough to make it to almost twenty-two.

Lily and James went deeper into hiding. The full moon that month was on a Tuesday, and we went to Cornwall again, happy to have found somewhere out of the way and alone. Except we weren't alone.

In the distance a chorus of howls shivered through the air and I tensed, ready to bring him down and sit on him if I had to rather than let him join them. He saw me, ready to pounce or run in chase, and he came at me, fangs bared. I refused to back down: no matter what, I was keeping him with me. But before I could jump, he had leapt at me, twisting mid-air to barrel into my side and bring me to the ground. He dropped on top of me, pushing me into the warm, damp earth, and held me there until the sound of the wolves had disappeared into the distance.

Then he let me up, licked my muzzle, and brought me a stick, as though this was normal.

We didn't speak of it the next day. I was never really sure how much he remembered after a full moon, sometimes he seemed to recall it all, other times nothing. And I never thought to ask if that was wilful.

But I do remember that those last weeks were spent in fear. Fear for him, for us, for James and Lily. Some nights I lay awake listening to him breathe, imagining how I would feel if he stopped.

We were meant to spend Halloween with James and Lily at a secure location. Remus had a costume picked out, he was going as Rowena Ravenclaw crossdressing. I'm sorry to say he thought this was hilarious. At lunch we received an Owl that said the party was off, Dumbledore had said it was too dangerous. In a way, I was relieved. No one needed to see Remus wearing a Saxon tunic and a tiara.

We stayed home, and Remus chased me around the house threatening to play hide the tiara. I'd just managed to settle him down with the promise of tea when the Floo roared into life and James's head appeared.

'Would you not do that?' I asked, testily. 'It's not safe!'

He stuck his tongue out. 'Won't be more than a moment. Have you seen Peter?'

'Not for a couple of days, why?'

James's face looked worried through the flames. 'We had a big chat yesterday, he seemed very nervous, and I've been trying to reach him since lunchtime to check he was all right. I can't find him, anywhere.'

I pulled a face.

James laughed. 'I know, I'm sorry. But if anything happens to him, it's our fault, isn't it? Just try not to be ambushed by Death Eaters this time, yeah?

I smiled. 'I'll keep looking until I find him.'

'Good Padfoot, knew I could count on you.'

'I expect payment in beer.'

He grinned and waved as he stepped out of the flames. That's how we left each other, smiling.

Remus came into the kitchen, looking for his tea. 'Who was that?' he asked.

I should have told him. But I said, 'Moody, wants me to go out and check on something.'

'Want me to come?'

I shook my head. 'I'm not sure what's out there tonight, and one can move faster than two. Promise me you'll stay here.'

He promised. I kissed him.

I thought I was keeping him out of it, keeping him safe. I thought that I would be back in an hour or two. He was right to call me an idiot, all the NEWT O's in the world didn't change that.

I rode my bike to Peter's house, looking out for him along the way. It was quiet and still, though, looking in, things seemed disrupted. I felt my stomach turn and quickly rode to his mother's. She hadn't seen him.

'Are you sure?' I asked, frantic.

'Positive. Is something wrong?'

'If you see him, tell him I need to hear from him, will you do that?'

She promised, and I left her worrying on her doorstep.

I tried his favourite pubs, the brothel I'd seen him outside of once, the park. Nothing. I went back to his house, trying to find a clue.

And I realised that Remus hadn't come close when he'd called me an idiot. The disorder wasn't random or a sign of any struggle: there was nothing of value left in the house, all Peter's favourite clothing was gone.

And even then it took me a minute. I wondered why he thought it was necessary for him to run away when all of us wanted to keep him safe for James and Lily's sake.

And when I realised the truth, I couldn't move for a moment, because I had to fight down the wave of nausea that threatened to burst from me. Then I was back onto the bike and riding, flying, at speeds it couldn't do alone.

The garden at Godric's Hollow looked the same. Roses, shrubs, and that pretty gate. But the door was hanging off its hinges. I pulled out my wand and ran in, already knowing – it was too quiet for any hope – but needing to see.

James was in the front of the house, bare-handed, his hair a little damp from his shower, and looking determined. But ninety degrees wrong. His legs were a little way apart, as though he was taking a step, but the floor held him, and his eyes were dulled. I dropped down beside his body, wanting to shake him into wakefulness. Instead I closed his eyes, and drew his lips down over his teeth. Beneath my hand, his flesh was already cooling.

A pulse of rage ran through me, but sorrow overwhelmed it. Sorrow and duty, there was more to be done.

I walked upstairs slowly. In a way, I knew this would be worse. The door to the nursery was filled with a pile of clothes. A few feet away Lily's body stretched, almost gracefully, her hair a blaze of colour in the nightlight-lit room. A bundle beside her had to be Harry, tiny and still. I turned on the light, planning to arrange them with dignity. The bundle moved.

He was curled against his mother, trying to keep her warm, or wake her from the stillness that had ended all her vibrancy. A sob caught in my throat as I bent down and picked him up. He curled against my chest and began to go to sleep, his little face tear-stained, a cut on his forehead.

I held him to me, and promised him that I would protect him. He hiccoughed, and wiped his runny nose against my jacket before dropping off. I moved to pick up the clothes in the doorway to wipe it away, and then stopped, and stared. I knew this robe. I knew its cut, I knew its ostentatious sleeve length. And it wasn't empty, as I had thought.

I looked at Harry in wonder. 'I think your mum killed Voldemort,' I whispered. He slept on.

I heard a noise from downstairs and pulled out my wand, but the hello that sung out was familiar, and I went down the stairs and found Rubeus Hagrid.

'They're dead, Hagrid,' I told him. 'Both of them. Only Harry left. I'm going to take him home, let him get some sleep.'

He looked at me as though I was speaking rubbish, even though James's body was three yards from him. 'Dead? James and Lily? How?'

I spoke gently. 'Voldemort found them. He killed them, but I think Lily killed him.'

He shook his head and blew his nose on an enormous red handkerchief. 'Wha' 'bout little Harry?'

'He's here, Hagrid,' I reminded him.

'Only, Dumbledore said I should take Harry to him.'

My rage reappeared and made a swift and decisive case to me. 'I should take him,' I argued.

'Dumbledore was very firm – I'm supposed to take Harry to him, says he has it worked so he'll be totally safe at his Aunt Petunia's.'

And so I gave in to my anger, though Hagrid never saw it. I kissed Harry's head, and passed him, still asleep, to Rubeus. 'Keep him safe till I come for him,' I told him.

Then I gave him the keys to the bike. 'Take this, I won't be needing it.'

'Yer bike? Are you sure?'

I nodded. 'You need some way of transporting Harry. Hang on.'

I picked up his little carry cot that lived by the door and walked around the house until I found his favourite blankets. I was going to add toys, but decided that I'd just pick them all up for him later rather than try and choose one or two now. 'You can pop him into this and strap the whole lot in the sidecar,' I told him, then bundled Harry and popped him in the basket myself to make sure.

'Where're you going, Sirius?' Hagrid asked me suddenly. 'Ye're not coming with us?'

I shook my head. 'I have something very important to do,' I muttered, and Apparated away before he could ask what and I could be tempted to tell him that I was off to kill my schoolmate. I went first to London. I knew the Death Eaters would be desperate to find their leader, and guessed that some of them would descend on the centre of the Southern Wizarding community for information. I found no leads, so went to Hogsmeade, where I drew another blank.

I Apparated to every place I could remember us having been. Battle, Manchester, Worcester, Birmingham, Gloucester … he was nowhere. I was tired, the sun was well up, and I desperately needed breakfast, but I didn't stop. And then it struck me where he'd be.

I'd known all along if I'd bothered to think about it. 'Keep somewhere close to your base of power to use as a rallying point if things go wrong,' my father had taught me in our tactics lessons when I was a boy. 'Sometimes it's too dangerous to return to your headquarters, but you need a place where your troops can gather that's close to your major resources. Cities are good choices because you can disperse easily if the enemy approaches.'

He'd gone on to tell me that the days when wizards needed to use this sort of information were long gone, but I knew that Lucius and Bella, and many other Death Eaters, would have absorbed the same advice at their fathers' knees.

I paused to find an Owlery, and sent a message by the fastest Owl they had to Remus: _Meet me in Salisbury._

I wanted him there, by my side. He need never know that I had thought it was him, the proper order could be restored. I waited for a few minutes, then followed my guess.

It was luck that saw me Apparate to the Market. Peter was there, wandering aimlessly down the busy street, deep in thought. I strode up behind him and took his wand arm. 'Interesting thing, betrayal,' I told him. 'I'm told it burns from the inside. Is that true, Peter? Are you burning from the inside?'

'Sirius,' he gulped out. 'I'm … I was … It's not what you think.'

'I think you led Voldemort to James and Lily and now they're dead.'

'Dead? James and Lily?' he stuttered with horror. And I have to tell you, he was quite the actor. But not good enough to overcome the truth.

I gripped his arm hard enough to bruise. 'Remus is coming,' I hissed.

'I don't understand,' he wailed, looking up at me pleadingly. 'I thought you were my friends!'

'James and Lily are _dead_!' I repeated, shaking him.

His face shifted then, feebleness replaced by slyness. A visage of fear was painted on top. 'You don't understand,' he wailed, loudly. 'He was going to kill me!'

'Then you should have died to save your friends, just as we'd have died to save you!' I screamed at him.

Muggles stopped and looked at us. One of them glared at me, looking meaningly at my hand on Peter's arm. 'You right, mate?' he asked Peter.

'He's right,' I barked, wishing Remus would appear.

Peter looked about him, wildly, I could see something happening behind his watery eyes. 'You'd have died?' he asked.

'I'd have died before I betrayed any of you!' I told him.

'_Liar_!' he hissed. 'You might have died for them, but you'd never have done it for me!'

He turned in my hands and bit me on the wrist. Surprised, I let go of him. He ran a little distance up the street, then turned back to face me. I had my wand at the ready, but could not overcome my hesitation – it was still _Peter_.

'Why do you want me dead, Sirius?' he screamed.

I drew in a deep breath to answer him.

And then the world blew apart into a gale of heat and shrapnel and noise. Somehow I kept my feet, and when, in the seconds after, Aurors appeared on the streets, I was the first thing they saw, holding my wand, covered in dirt, and dripping with blood. In front of me a huge hole rent the road, and bodies and parts of bodies were scattered across the street.

They disarmed me before my ears stopped ringing. Two of them grabbed me and held my arms behind me while another drove his fist into my face.

'Wait! You have it all wrong!' I tried to tell them, but they were shouting an arrest order and Obliviators were streaming in, and no-one was listening to anything I had to say. But I wasn't worried. I know you won't believe me, but I thought it would all be made right, as soon as Remus arrived.

And at almost that exact moment, a flood of clarity and hope welled up within me as my eyes made out a figure on the far street corner.

He was there, on the kerb, away from the Aurors, away from the smoke and the blood. Clean and thin and still. And for one absurd second I still believed all would be right. I called out to him, and his eyes found me. He saw the Aurors holding me, saw the blood streaming from my nose, saw the hands empty of wand or weapon. And he smiled, nodded. His lips mouthed the word 'Good'. And then he was gone.

They said that there on the street, in the midst of all that carnage, with everything destroyed and Aurors kicking me as they dragged me away, I was laughing fit to burst. And I think that must be true, because, really, what else was left?


End file.
